


...Roach?

by parkrstark



Category: Castle
Genre: Case Fic, Friends to Lovers, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-08 23:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3228371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkrstark/pseuds/parkrstark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a fill over on castlekink.livejournal.com </p><p>  <i>Prompt: Castle didn't know who these people had been. For all he knew, they could have been coffee-shop workers or business-people or nail-salon owners. But he knew why they'd been killed. The two men, who had been beaten to death for (probably) not cooperating with their killer, were dead ringers for Detectives Ryan and Esposito. And the woman with a dagger through her heart looked exactly the way he'd described Detective Ochoa's wife. Whoever had killed these three people was a Roach fan. And it would only be a matter of time before he or she went after the "genuine" article.</i><br/><b>NOW COMPLETE!</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know, I really need to start updating fics I've already started writing, but I'll be updating them all. I won't abandon any of my fics, don't worry.

Castle hummed happily when he finally got into his writing mood— no writer's block, cases or sexy NYPD detectives to distract him.

Gina had been bugging him for the past few weeks to come up with a draft for his next Nikki Heat novel, so here he was writing to shut her up.

It wasn't like he was ignoring her on purpose (okay, so maybe he was ignoring her on purpose, but definitely not his book). Before he joined the NYPD, he had nothing else other than writing to spend his days, but now he had a family. Not like Alexis and Martha, but the kind that he went out drinking with or paintballing or parties or movie nights. The kind kind of friends that turned into family.

He threw away his days of one night stands and endless hours of writing to pass the time for an actual life. Drinking with the boys, meaningful sex with Beckett and hours of helping at the precinct where he actually felt he was making a difference.

All in all, he'd rather have slower Nikki Heat installments and a family than the opposite.

Castle was actually writing now and with Alexis and Martha away for the weekend, he thought he could finish the draft— that is until his phone rang.

Castle groaned when the beeping of his cell halted his fingers mid-typing and he answered the call from Beckett praying that he wouldn't forget what he was writing after the call. "Beckett!" He whined only half jokingly. "I told you, no body drops for me until I finish this draft. It was your idea!"

Beckett answered without a trace of amusement in her voice, "Castle," Her pause was long enough for Castle to wonder if the call dropped before she continued. "You need to get here. Now."

Castle nodded numbly, pushing from his chair and heading out the door. The Nikki Heat draft already forgotten, "Is everyone okay? Is someone hurt?" He asked urgently as his stomach churned in dozens of different directions at once. He knew that his three friends had a dangerous and life threatening job, but he would never be ready for the call, God forbid anything actually happened.

"We're fine, Castle." She shot off the address where he needed to meet them and then she hung up.

Castle hissed as he slammed the door shut; all possible horrible outcomes playing out in his head.

* * *

Castle hopped out of the cab and was met by Beckett at the police tape. He was relieved to see that Beckett was physically fine and after a quick look around he saw Espo and Ryan interviewing someone, both perfectly healthy.

"What's going on?" Castle asked following Beckett to a beaten down row boat that was carelessly left in the middle of the alleyway.

"Theresa Huller, 32, killed by a dagger in the heart." Beckett gestured to the dead woman lying in the boat.

Castle looked down and then up at Beckett again. He was here no more than five minutes and was already confused. Why was she in a boat in the middle of an alley in New York City? Why did Beckett call Castle in?

Beckett noticed his confusion, "We believe it's another…" Her face screwed up in discomfort at the next word and it's context. "…fan."

Castle did a double take at the woman, her long, thick dark hair that pooled around her head, her dark eyes and darker skin. This Hispanic woman didn't seem to be anybody from his Nikki Heat series.

I don't see it…?" Castle said slowly, not sure if he was missing out on something.

"Neither did we at first, but then we found her I.D." Beckett handed it to Castle and he took it as he read her name crossed out and above was written Sophia Ochoa.

"She was hardly in Heat Rises, and Ochoa isn't even married to her anymore, why…" Before Castle could finish his thought, Beckett handed him something else—this time it was a piece of paper with a message typed.

_Dear Jameson Rook,_

_I am a very big and dear fan of yours. Sometimes it amazes me how I see things that even you don't._

_That`s why I`ll give you a chance, to fix your mistakes._

_It`s good that you got rid of her, it really is. This is just a warning so Ochoa doesn`t decide to settle with her or any girl for that matter. Soon you`ll know why. This will all be smooth sailing if you follow my instructions._

_But don`t worry, I'll be with you every step of the way to avoid other casualties._

_Yours truly,  
Captain Roach_

After Castle read this letter he looked up in shock at Beckett, "Who the Hell kills an innocent woman for a book?!"

Beckett shook her head, "I don't know, Castle. But we've got nothing at all. No prints, no DNA, nothing."

Castle nodded, but pointed to a spot in the letter, "But he'll keep in touch, maybe just maybe, we can catch him along the way."

Beckett pursed her lips with a short nod as Ryan and Esposito came over discussing something in Ryan's little notepad.

"Anything boys?" Beckett asked with a sigh.

"Nobody saw anything." Ryan said with clear disappointment.

"Did you guys find anything?" Esposito asked curiously with his gaze focused on the note in the writer's hand.

Castle nodded and handed the letter to Esposito and the two detectives read it quietly.

"What the fuck?" Esposito screwed up his face and shoved the letter back in Castle's hands. "I think all the crazies read your books, Castle." He shook his head.

Ryan cleared his throat, "Why did he want to kill Ochoa's wife?" He pointed to the paper in Castle's grip. "More importantly, why does he or she call them self Captain Roach?"

Beckett shrugged her shoulders, "This whole boat and captain thing seems to be a theme, but I don't understand why. Nobody was ever killed like this in any of your books, right Castle?"

He shook his head, rereading the letter again trying to find something they missed.

Ryan interrupted their thoughts when he used his gloved hand to lift the vic's left hand that was folded over her right on her chest. When he removed the bloody hand and slowly placed it next to her, the rest gasped.

On her right hand, her ring finger had been cut off.

Beckett lifted the hand and inspected it before turning to Ryan and Esposito, "I want you two to head back and look up anything you can find about her. Keep an eye out to see if she was married and that's what this is about." She turned her attention from her boys to Castle, "Castle, do you think you can try and figure out why the murderer wrote that letter for you?" Beckett asked as she pulled off her glove.

He nodded, "The Nikki Heat draft can wait…"

She nodded, "Good, I'll show Lanie the missing finger and see what she thinks about the body and then we'll regroup at the murder board in an hour."

"Sounds like a plan, Becks." Esposito mock saluted her before him and his partner headed towards their parked car.

Beckett wished Castle good luck before he left the crime scene to hail down a cab.

* * *

Espo leaned over Ryan's shoulder as they read Theresa's file; she wasn't married, no family in New York and no previous trouble with the law. Her record was clean with nothing pointing out anything to help.

"Well this sucks," Esposito grumbled.

"Maybe we can head to her apartment and see if her neighbors have noticed anything…odd." Ryan turned his head towards his partner as he spoke; their faces were so close their noses touched.

Esposito pushed himself backwards and tried to brush it off as if it was nothing. "So we heading out now?"

Ryan ignored the little spark of electricity he knew that he shouldn't have felt when his very straight partner touched his skin, "Y-yeah, sounds like a plan."

Espo rolled his eyes and grabbed his partner's upper arm, "C'mon, man."

Ryan smiled and nodded once Espo lifted him from his seat and let go. The Irishman watched Espo slip his jacket on and grabbed the directions to her apartment building from the printer.

"Hey Espo…?" Ryan spoke when they were alone in the elevator.

He turned his head to his partner, "Yeah?"

"What…what do you think that 'Captain Roach' thing was about?" He buttoned up his overcoat absently. "Why would this murderer name themselves after us?"

Espo furrowed his eyebrows in thought, "No clue, bro."

"But…they killed an innocent woman that looked like your wife in the book because she was in the way. Something that Castle wrote in the book, this person didn't like and is trying to change his mind." He looked up to see if his partner was following so he could save himself from the awkward finish.

With a sigh of frustration from Espo's obliviousness he continued, "You don't think that maybe he meant Roach…in the romantic way…?" Ryan avoided his partner's glare. "Few months ago when Castle kept sending us those stories and changing our desktop pictures with fanart. There were a lot of terms on those sites. Like two characters are a ship—"

"Bro," Espo cut in as he stared ahead, "Do you know how ridiculous you sound?! All those fanfictions that Castle sent us are exactly that— fiction! Besides Ochoa and Raley aren't us—"

"Technically they are…"

Esposito sighed, "Whatever, bro, just drop it." His expression and voice softened a bit, "Man, just wipe that from your head, okay?"

Ryan stayed quiet for a few minutes before he apologized."Sorry, Javi, just forget I even mentioned anything."

Espo sighed, "I'm not upset at you, Kev, I'm upset that you're right."

"Us together?"

Espo nodded, "That'll make us awkward and everything we do awkward…yeah, we're closer than most partners, but that's okay. And I'm sure as Hell ain't having some crazy person ruin our partnership."

Ryan smiled in relief that his partner didn't think he was that off in his theory, after all Esposito thought it could be that too, but was choosing to ignore it. That didn't mean there wasn't a slight ping in his stomach because of his partner's adverse reaction to the idea of them ever being together.

The rest of the elevator ride and then the drive to the apartment was quiet. Ryan tried not to show his disappointment so Esposito wouldn't get suspicious about any feelings he did or did not feel. Before he knew it, they were outside the apartment heading into the lobby.

"NYPD, Detective Esposito and my partner Detective Ryan." Esposito said to the clerk at the front desk.

"May I help you?" He said slowly eyeing the two.

"Theresa Huller." Ryan said putting his badge back on his hip.

"Yes?" The desk clerk narrowed his eyes.

Esposito and Ryan exchanged looks, "She was…killed last night."

"K-killed?" His expression turned grave.

"Yes, now we would like to ask you a few questions about Ms. Huller if you don't mind." Ryan took out his notebook.

"Of course, of course!" He gestured for them to take a seat at the small love seat inside the small 'employees only room'.

Ryan and Espo followed him and sat across from the clerk. Ryan prepared his pen and notebook as Espo asked the first question. "Was Ms. Huller acting strangely before last night?"

He shook his head, "Not at all, she was just how she always was, ya know?"

"Did she have any enemies?" Esposito leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees.

"Um, not directly, but I mean, she was a big part of this group to protest…same sex marriage." He looked between the two men sitting across from him and quickly added, "She was the only one in this complex who was apart of it, most of us here actually support gay rights." He laughed nervously with a faintly flushed cheeks.

"Oookay…" Esposito shifted uncomfortably, moving away so his shoulder was no longer touching his partner's. The desk clerk must have assumed him and Ryan were more than just partners, Espo thought.

Ryan cleared his throat, "Do you know where she was last night, between the hours of 8 and 11?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, "Actually, I was talking to her friends who usually pick her up for those protests and she was at one yesterday. She is usually back by dinner time, but she didn't return last night. I just assumed she was staying the night with friends." He shrugged his shoulders.

Ryan finished jotting down his notes before asking for the friends' names. "Would you happen to have her friends' names?"

"Stacy and Daniel…I do not know last names, I apologize." He sighed, "But maybe she has something in her apartment…"

Esposito and Ryan nodded. "That would he helpful."

"Very well," He stood up and led them back out into the dingy lobby and down a hall until he stopped in front of room 36A. He pulled out a crowded key ring and unlocked the door before stepping aside and letting the two in. He nodded and seemed to be hesitant to leave. Esposito raised his eyebrows at him so he finally spoke, "Uh, sorry, about before. I didn't mean anything by it. You two…just…I meant nothing by it…"

"No, we're not—" Ryan started to explain, but Esposito interrupted him.

"It's alright, man, really."

He nodded with a nervous smile before heading back down the hall. Esposito and Ryan exchanged glances before Ryan spoke up, "Why does everyone assume we're a thing…weird huh?" He forced a laugh and Espo sighed with a small smile.

"Yeah, can't they see I'm totally out of your league?" Ryan laughed and just like that, the awkwardness washed away.

"You wish," Ryan retorted as he pulled his cell out to call Beckett. "Hey, Beckett, we just talked to the clerk at the hotel and found out she was at a protest against same sex marriage last night."

"Anti-gay rights?"

Ryan nodded and watched as Espo looked through a black phone book on her desk. "Yup, apparently she was very active in that community. Two friends picked her up last night and she never returned."

"Maybe an argument went down last night?"

"Maybe. Espo and I are in her apartment looking for last names for her two friends. Stacy and Daniel…maybe they'll know what happened."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Anything new from Lanie?" Ryan caught Esposito's eyes as he started to motion for Ryan to come by his side. He closed the distance between him and Esposito and read the names he was pointing out, Stacy McGuire andDaniel Nash. Ryan wordlessly handed his notepad to Espo so he could write down their names, numbers and addresses.

"Nothing much, Ry. Castle thinks that the letter was something about you and Espo—sorry, Ochoa and Raley—but we're not sure exactly what."

Ryan eyed his partner quickly and saw that he was busy writing in the notepad to listen, "That's what I said…you know how crazy those fangirlscan be."

Ryan smiled when he heard Beckett laugh, it was the first time since they found the connection to their team that she smiled, "Remember last spring, all that porn that Castle showed you? And I thought there was only that stuff for Hook."

Ryan shared a laugh as well, "Yeah, well, we can't let you two get all the spotlight, now can we?"

"Oh so you do want Castle to give Roach a sex scene…" Ryan could practically hear the smirk in her voice. "He is in the middle of a draft, I'm sure he wouldn't mind changing up the plot."

"God, no, Beckett," He voice was serious even though he was laughing. "Don't say anything to Castle."

Espo slipped the now closed notepad into Ryan's pocket as he gave his partner a confused look.

"Yeah, okay, whatever you say, Ryan."

"Beckett, I mean-" Before he could finish, the sound of whispering and footsteps could be heard from the living room.

Esposito and Ryan froze, both pulling their guns out, "Becks…just give us a minute…" He tossed his phone on the vic's bed after he ended the call; Ryan reminded himself to call Beckett back immediately after they checked it out. Beckett would kill him if she was left hanging, not knowing if her partners were safe or not.

Esposito exited the bedroom first, followed by Ryan. Ryan whispered, "You go through the kitchen, I'll take the door in the hall."

Esposito nodded before they slowly took their positions; exactly in unison moments later, they both entered the small living room yelling "NYPD! Freeze!" cornering the two intruders.

The female squeaked dropping the key ring in her hand. "We're friends!" She nodded at the male by her side.

"Yeah, uh I'm Daniel and this is Stacy, really we weren't breaking in or anything. We swear!" He raised his hands above his head anyway.

Esposito and Ryan exchanged a quick look, using their method of speaking without talking and lowered their guns. "Nash and McGuire?"

The girl was the first to speak up, "Yeah, we just dropped by to check on Tessa, she disappeared last night right after the rally and we haven't heard from her since."

Ryan gulped and tucked his gun back in his holster. "Theresa Huller was…killed last night…"

Daniel spoke first, "Tessa…but…who would kill her?" His wide eyes locked with Esposito's.

"That's what we're trying to figure out, Mr. Nash, if you don't mind us asking a few questions about last night and the hours prior to her death," Espo gestured to the couch.

"O-of course," Stacy mumbled brushing tears out of her eyes. "Anything to help, Detective…?" She smiled weakly.

Esposito smiled back, "Detective Esposito and my partner Detective Ryan."

Daniel let out a brief gasp, "No…Kevin and Javier?"

Esposito snapped his head towards the man and looked at him wide eyed, but said nothing. "Do we know you?"

Stacy cleared her throat, "Dan's coming off a bit creepy…sorry…" She brushed a hair behind her ear with a soft sniffle, "We are big fans of Richard Castle…his Nikki books are our favorites." She shot a glare at Dan possibly for embarrassing her.

"Big Hook fans," Daniel looked at the two excitedly. "Yeah you— I meanRoach have great…uh…you know subtext? I guess? But we're not into that sorta thing." He winced apologetically.

Ryan sighed, "Nothing's there more than being partners—"

Stacy interrupted Ryan and breathed, "Man, if Tessa could meet you guys…well I guess having you investigate her murder would be the next best thing."

The three men gave her a weird look before Espo nodded, "Yeah, anyway, we would like to ask a few questions before we wrap this up."

"Of course." Stacy was back to the tears again.

"Did she make any enemies in these Anti-Gay Rights movements you partook in?"

Dan shook his head, but Stacy placed a hand on his arm, "Well, we've always had our disputes, but never an enemy…arguments stayed on the battlefield per se, but last night, about an hour before we were gonna head to dinner…she was arguing with this man."

This seemed to perk both Ryan and Esposito's interest. "Really?" The Irishman said already furiously scribbling away in his notepad. "Could you describe him for us?"

Stacy nodded and thoughtfully bit her lip before responding, "We're always in fights, it's just a norm during a protest. Usually we brush 'em off, you know, people will have their opinions, but this time it was different." She rubbed her arm idly with a haunted look in her eyes, "The guy threatened her and I told her to ignore him. Who the hell kills somebody for what they believe in?"

"You'll be surprised at all of the reasons people kill each other." Espo sighed before continuing with his questioning, "Now about that man?"

"Oh yeah, um, he's a regular, Brad Heggs. He's always trying for the gay marriage thing." Her face twisted up in disgust at the word.

Ryan nodded, jotting the name down. "Thank you two very much, and we'd appreciate if you don't leave town until we wrap this up in case we have other questions about your friend."

"Of course," Dan nodded in understanding before the four exited the apartment.

On their way to the lobby, Stacy broke the silence, "So…are you twotogether?" Both of the detectives could hear the disgust she tried to hide.

"What?" Ryan shook his head with a sigh, "No! Why does everyone think that?"

For a brief moment, it almost looked like Stacy was disappointed, but she showed her approval with a nod, "Good, that would just ruin the story."

Ryan's nose scrunched up at her insulting comment, but a nudge from his partner made him drop it with a sigh.

"I think Castle's writing already took care of that." Esposito laughed looking at Ryan for a smile. Ryan rolled his eyes with a small smile before waving goodbye to the victim's friends.

Ryan didn't even bother trying to get to the car first, he learned after the first dozen races or so that even if he did beat Esposito, he wouldn't be allowed to drive. Esposito drove and he sat shotgun.

"Don't forget to call Beckett, she's probably pacing the bullpen pulling her hair out in worry right now." Esposito said as he stuck the key into their car's ignition.

Ryan already had his phone out, "Although I'd love to see that, you're probably right and then she'd flip out on us when we got back." He smiled as he heard his partner laugh in agreement before dialing Beckett's number.

* * *

"I'm sure they're perfectly okay, Beckett. We didn't get any calls over the radio. They'll be okay." Castle rubbed her arm as they sat together in the breakroom waiting for one of the boys to call back.

"Fifteen minutes ago they hung up, Castle, they know the rules. They call back as soon as possible."

"Maybe— " Just as Castle tried to come up with something else to keep her mind off of the boys' welfare, her phone rang.

Her hand ripped it off the table and she practically stabbed the screen with her finger to answer Ryan's call. She didn't even give him a chance to explain himself before she yelled, "Kevin Patrick Ryan! Just what the hell do you think you're doing not calling me back? That was a half and hour ago!"

Castle flinched in his seat and could imagine Ryan pulling the phone away from his ear as their superior scolded him. He waved his hand for Beckett to switch the call to speaker phone letting Castle hear Ryan mid-apology, "I'm sorry, Beckett, I called when I could. It was just the vic's friends, Stacy McGuire and Dan Nash."

"Next time call right away, with the team's connection to this case I really don't want to risk anything." She finally took a seat next to Castle now that she knew her boys were safe.

"Understand." Beckett heard Ryan and knew he was truly sorry for worrying her, but that didn't take back the gray hair she now had. She looked over at Castle when she noticed he was uncharastically quiet; he was staring down at the table with furrowed eyebrows.

"Castle, what's— "

"Stacy McGuire, that name sounds familiar." Castle said more to himself than anyone else.

"She's a fan of yours, Castle." Ryan's laugh bubbled through the speaker, "Doesn't like Roach too much, though. She said if Raley and Ochoa were together it would ruin the story."

Ryan must have had his phone on speaker as well because Esposito cut in, "Don't worry, man, I told her our writing already ruined it."

"Ha ha," Castle said sarcastically, "Thanks a lot, 'Sito."

"Anyway," Ryan said getting back to work, "We've got a name, Brad Heggs, he was seen arguing with the vic last night at a protest."

Beckett nodded, "Anybody else?"

"Not that Nash or McGuire knew." Esposito noted, "I guess this Heggs kid is our one lead right now."

"I'll bring him in to see what we can learn." Beckett was already getting ready to run his name through the system.

"Great, we should be back within a few minutes." Ryan said before hanging up.

Beckett pocketed her phone and headed towards the door leading into the bullpen, "C'mon Castle, we've got a murder to solve.

Standing up to follow the detective out the door, he still couldn't shake the feeling that he had definitely heard her name before…but where?


	2. Chapter 2

Beckett bit her nail as she stared at the murder board rereading the notes she just finished writing. All they had up there was a picture of Theresa Huller and the letter from 'Captain Roach'. She capped the marker satisfied with what they had.

She hated when there was a dead end on her board, but thankfully right now they had a possible lead with Brad Heggs. Once Ryan came back with his information, they'd bring him in for questioning and then either find their murderer or another dead end.

Castle hadn't even opened his mouth about conspiracy theories or blood sucking ninjas and for that Beckett was grateful. This case was too personal to be making any jokes about. Thankfully he was too busy at her desk foraging through past fan mail letters. He was putting any letters that mentioned Ryan and Esposito's characters to the side.

Esposito was reading them as the pile steadily grew. His face remained blank most of the time, but a few times he snorted or shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, Castle, please tell me you didn't finish reading this one."

Castle paused his paper rustling to look at the letter that Espo was holding towards him. He laughed when he saw which letter made the detective so uneasy, "Of course, Espo, I think that's my favorite."

Esposito made a face looking back down at the letter that was pretty much porn between Raley and Ochoa. "Don't they usually post this crap on your fansites? Not send it to the author."

Castle shrugged his shoulders, adding another letter to the pile, "Sometimes I get 'em. Not complaining, though, they are very  _skin tingling_." He teased.

Esposito huffed, "That is disgusting; what Raley and Ochoa do aren't anyone's business. So what if maybe they love each other and they're guys. I don't know why everyone gets their panties in a twist about it." He let the letter fall back into the pile.

Castle eyed him as he pointed out, "Espo, Raley and Ochoa are book characters."

"Yeah, well you based them off of me and Ry-" Espo realized he had told Ryan only hours earlier not to think like that and shut up.

Castle shared an amused smile with Beckett before turning his chair to face Esposito, "What was that, Esposito?"

Esposito shook his head and quickly stood up, "Nothing, just get back to your letter sorting." He mumbled before excusing himself to the breakroom.

Once he was gone, Castle laughed and turned to Beckett, "Isn't he cute when he gets all touchy-feelsy?"

Beckett slapped him upside the head, and Castle immediately whined, "Ow. What was that for?"

"How many times do I have to tell you to leave them alone to figure it out on their own?"

Castle rolled his eyes, "I'll be in a grave by the time Esposito actually admits his feelings. You know that just as much as I do." He went back to searching his letters from any indications of a possible suspect.

"Let them do it own their own time, Castle." Beckett turned to the whiteboard to read over the details they had for the dozenth time.

* * *

Esposito paced around the break room cracking his knuckles out of nervous habit. He  _despised_ this case already and they weren't even a day into it.

All of this Roach crap was striking a match that Espo preferred to stay unlit. Or maybe that was just what he wanted to believe. He really wasn't so sure of anything right now.

Sure, he loved Ryan; he was his partner. He loved Beckett and Castle as well...so why should Ryan be any different?

Esposito shook his head, he wasn't. He was just like anybody else that Espo cared for. No difference; this case was only getting to him- that's all.

He wiped his hands absently on his pant legs as he continued to tell himself that he loved his partner, but he was not  _in love_ with him. Big difference.

He let out a shaky breath and turned around to head back into the bullpen just in time to see Ryan come rushing towards Castle and Beckett. With that smile and his eyes and his hair and the way he gets so excited when he finds a lead -  _holy hell_.

Esposito fell into the couch when his heart stopped beating altogether. Was he really thinking those things about his partner? Esposito let out a strangled sigh in realization, "I love him."

* * *

A few minutes later, Ryan came bounding around the corner of the bullpen with a few sheets of paper in his hand. "I got Hegg's info. He works Downtown in a small bakery."

Beckett smiled, thankful that they were beginning to get somewhere. She hated when her case was frozen so this was definitely good news. "Let's get on that; sooner we do, the sooner we can figure this out."

Ryan did a quick 360 sweep of the bullpen, "Where's Javi? I was gonna take him to come and pick up Heggs."

Castle jumped up from his chair, "I'll come, Espo wasn't feeling too well before. And please, I need a break from all this letter sorting."

Ryan didn't seem to notice anything weird about the writer's actions and shrugged his shoulders, "Sure, Castle, I don't mind. As long as Beckett can spare you."

Beckett waved her hand towards the two, "Go ahead, I'll sort through what Castle has picked out and see if any of these match up to the letter left at the scene." She rolled her eyes at the looks that Castle and Ryan were giving her, "I know, it's a long shot, but we don't have much to go on."

Ryan agreed with a laugh, "Don't we know it." He shook his head about to exit the bullpen with Castle but before leaving for the elevator he said, "If Javi comes back, tell him I went to pick up Heggs and if his migraines are acting up I have a bottle of ibuprofen in my desk."

Castle bit his lip to stop his laugh from coming out as he followed Ryan's now retreating form to the elevator. Castle always assumed that Esposito was the mother hen, but he supposed that Ryan could play the card just as well.

The two were quiet through the rest of the precinct and half the car ride. Castle figured that this would be one of his only shots to see what Ryan thought about all of this. Screw Beckett's notion to leave the two doofuses to figure it all out on their own.

"So, Ryan how are you doing?"

Ryan turned away from the road for a quick second to give Castle a confused look, "Umm, considering?"

Castle rolled his eyes, "All this Roach stuff, doy."

Something flashed in Ryan's eyes but he brushed it off a second later, "Nothing. I mean it's a little spooky having some psycho out there killing because of me and Javi's counterparts, but I'll get through it."

Castle shook his head with a 'tsk', "That's not what I was referring to and we both know it."

Ryan's grip tightened on the wheel as he said, "Castle, I have no clue what on earth you're talking about. Raley and Ochoa's feelings are different for each other than me and Javi's."

Castle stayed silent for a moment before he said quietly, "I didn't mention anything about feelings, Kevin."

Ryan cursed under his breath slamming his fist against the wheel after he stopped for a red light, "Castle, it's nothing really."

Castle disagreed, "Doesn't seem like nothing." He looked over at Ryan and eyed him closely even though the detective refused to look over at him, "I know how you feel. It's okay."

Ryan rolled his eyes as he started the car back up, "Castle, he's my partner. Maybe in your books you can create relationships and feelings between two people, but not in real life."

Castle nodded, giving him that much, "You're right, I can't control how you and Espo feel...you two managed that all on your own."

"Castle-" Ryan warned, but the writer interrupted him.

"I see it, Ry. The way you smile at him. Every time you read a  _Heat_ draft you're always mesmerized by Ochoa and Raley's relationship because you're too afraid to admit it out loud, but seeing you and Esposito together, even if not really you, gives you hope."

Castle remained quiet, allowing Ryan to digest what he said. The Irishman kept his lips in a tight line up until they pulled in front of the bakery, "What if you're right, Castle?"

Castle was surprised to hear those words leave Ryan's mouth. Castle had a dozen other examples to prove that Ryan and Espo both loved each other, expecting to hear more refusal. "What's wrong with that?"

"It's wrong." Since Ryan no longer had the steering wheel to control, he busied his hands with playing with sweater.

"Says who?" Castle narrowed his eyes, "I don't see anything wrong with being in love with him, Kevin."

Ryan flinched slightly, but avoided the questions, "It'll ruin our partnership."

"Even if Espo didn't feel the same, I doubt he'd throw you to the curb for loving him." Castle rubbed Ryan's arm comfortingly.

Finally Ryan turned and made eye contact with Castle, "I can't Castle. Thank you for trying- I really do appreciate it- but I can't risk our friendship for my feelings. I can live with being in love with him, but staying a friend. I couldn't live with my myself being in love with him, but being booted from his life." And with that, he exited the car before Castle could say anything else.

Castle's heart truly heart for the Irishman; he obviously loved his partner but was keeping it quiet. All because he was afraid to lose him. In Ryan's mind it was a brutal catch 22. But Castle knew there was hope if only he could get Ryan to see it.

* * *

By the time Castle and Ryan returned with Brad Heggs in custody, Beckett and Esposito were going crazy with no leads. Beckett lead Heggs into the nearest interrogation room with Ryan. Castle and Esposito slid into the viewing room.

Beckett took the seat next to Ryan and across from Heggs. "Bradley Heggs."

The young man nodded once, "Yes," He shifted uneasily in his seat, "Did I do something wrong?"

Ryan pretended to read through his notes, "Last night you attended a LGBT protest, correct?"

"Yes." He answered simply.

"Did you happen to encounter a young woman by the name Theresa Huller?" Ryan slid a picture of the woman across the table.

Heggs' confusion disappeared when he saw her face, " _Her?_ Unfortunately, yes." The looks from Ryan and Beckett made him explain himself more, "We don't see eye to eye, obviously. She's always popping up at our events and shoving her crap down our throats. I usually ignore her because there's people like her everywhere, but yesterday she really pissed me off."

Ryan and Beckett exchanged a hopeful look, "What exactly did she do that got you so upset, Brad?" Beckett asked.

Their suspect huffed, "That bitch had the nerve to come up to me and my boyfriend and start spewing her, 'God hates faggots' crap.  _I_ wanted to punch that woman right in the face, but Kyle kept my cool."

"Was that it?" Ryan wondered.

Heggs shook his head, "No, I'm used to that from her. It was when she had the nerve to dump her damn coffee all over Kyle's arm; stained through his button down and burnt his arm." He waved his arm, "That's when I started blowing smoke at her until her friends dragged her off. Most likely so I couldn't get her i trouble for burning my boyfriend. She's just lucky Kyle didn't want to press charges."

Ryan cleared his throat once Heggs stopped his rambling, "Theresa Huller was killed last night, Brad."

Heggs eyes widened, " _Killed_ like  _murdered_?"

Beckett nodded her head and said, "Mr. Heggs, where were you last night between 2 and 4?"

Heggs seemed too shocked to speak but gathered his words, "Wait-  _you think I killed her?"_

Beckett sighed, "We have to check out every possible angle, I hope you understand."

"I was at my apartment with Kyle, we only returned from the hospital at 12:30. You can check with our doctor and our building's security tapes. I didn't kill her, I swear."

* * *

Right as Ryan and Beckett exited the room, Castle was ontop of them, "Do we believe his story?"

Beckett eased Castle to the side so her and Ryan could get through, "As of now, we can't be too sure, but I'm almost positive he's innocent."

Ryan nodded in agreement, "I seriously doubt he'd kill a woman like that because she spilt coffee on his boyfriend. And I wasn't getting the 'creepy Castle fan' vibe."

Esposito laughed, "You know what they say, bro, takes one to know one."

Ryan shoved his partner with a sarcastic laugh to the side before heading to his desk, "I'm going to call the hospital and then his apartment building to see if his alibi checks out."

The rest of the tam followed Ryan towards their cluster of desks. Beckett huffed a sigh, "Which it most likely will so I guess we're back to the drawing boards. There's noth-"

She was interrupted by Gates calling Castle's name from her spot next to a delivery man that must have just stepped out of the elevator. Castle shared a worried look to Beckett before he slowly approached Gates.

"Yes, sir?"

"There seems to be a letter for you with no return address." Gates was just as suspicious of the letter as Beckett and Castle were.

Castle nodded and took the letter from the man and walked back to his team with the envelope gripped tightly between his fingers. The rest stopped what they were doing to see Castle's return.

Knowing that the team's, plus Gates' gazes were on him he opened the letter carefully and pulled out the letter and read it outloud,

**" _Dear Mr. Rook,_**

**" _I hope that you understand why that woman was killed. And just what exactly I'm hoping to achieve._**

**" _But the two most important people in this plan still do not understand. They're in denial. I know._**

**" _This will not do, so I'll leave a present soon to change their minds._**

**" _With pleasure,_**

**" _Captain Roach"_**

Castle finished reading the letter and gulped thickly looking up at the group.

Beckett narrowed her eyes at the letter, "We find this person  _now_. They're going to kill more people and damn it, we can't let that happen."

 


	3. Clearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan realizes he wants to do something about his feelings and Castle decides to help him out.

" _Why are you doing this?" The blue eyed man begged at his captor's feet._

_The woman smiled looking down at the beaten man, he was nameless to her. Just someone who happened to look exactly like one of the boys she wanted. "You must understand."_

" _Understand what?" He sobbed moving away the other beaten man next to him. "I don't know him...I don't want to…"_

_The Hispanic man besides him agreed, "I'm not even gay." He turned to the blue eyed man and added, "No offense, man."_

" _I'm not gay either!" He sputtered, "This is ridiculous, really. Just let us go."_

_The woman shook her head, "Do you really think that's how this is going to play out?" She smirked, "You two wouldn't be my first kill and if the two that I am sending this message to don't understand...well, you certainly won't be my last either."_

_The blue eyed man laughed nervously, "Maybe, you should try a more normal method of communication. They'll understand your message I'm sure if you just called them or maybe shot them an email."_

_The woman tightened her grip on the whip in her hand, "No, they wouldn't. Now,_ fuck or die _."_

* * *

"This is crazy." Esposito muttered staring down at Castle's newest note. "This creep is grade A, bat-shit crazy."

Castle rolled his eyes, "Thanks for noticing, Esposito."

"And there was no return address or prints?" Ryan asked taking the note from his partner's hands.

"Nada," Castle sighed, "This is creepy. I have no clue what the hell this person wants!" He ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh.

"Apparently it has to do with two people that need to do something…?" Esposito shrugged his shoulders, returning the letter to Castle.

"Hey," Ryan perked up in his seat, "Maybe they're referring to characters in your books. She expects you to be able to control them so it's probably that."

"Well, it would be a little easier if they told me what the hell I'm supposed to write for who before killing people!" Castle threw his hands up in the air getting upset.

Beckett rubbed his shoulder, "You know this isn't your fault, right?"

Castle sighed, "Maybe if I had done something differently, this person wouldn't be so upset right now."

Beckett swiveled the writer's chair so he was facing her, "Castle, look at me when I tell you that this is not your fault in the slightest way. This person is obviously unstable, do you understand me?"

Castle nodded heavily, but he put the letter in Beckett's hands for her to take to evidence. She nodded a thanks, "I'm gonna have Ronnie check this in and then we'll start our next plan of action...I still think her two friends know more. Right now with them being the only people to have actually seen our vic  _that we know of_ , I'd like to keep an eye out on them."

"We could call her in or go check up on her." Esposito said leaning back in his chair.

Beckett thought on that for a moment before waving her hand, "Call her in, I really don't know what this person wants, but they're targeting our team so I'd like to stay in as much as possible."

Esposito rolled his eyes, "Beckett, we are trained police officers...plus a writer...I don't think we need to be hiding in here. We haven't even been threatened yet."

Beckett pointed her finger, " _Yet!_ See, better safe than sorry." When she saw Epso about to argue again she waved her hand, "Nu-uh, I don't want to hear any more from you. Just call them down."

As she walked away, was already on the computer pulling up both Stacy McGuire and Daniel Nash's contact information. In a little under an hour, he had both of them coming to the precinct as soon as they could.

"So, Espo," Castle said as they waited for them to arrive. "You at least read some of the  _Nikki Heat_ books, right?"

Esposito eyed him carefully for a moment until he answered, "I've read 'em all, Castle."

Castle grinned and cast a look towards Ryan before he continued, "How come you don't have as many comments as Ryan does?"

" _Castle._ " Ryan warned with a glare before the writer took it too far.

Esposito barely gave his partner a glance before he responded, "Because Castle, they're good books, but I'm not about to go physco fan on you." He quickly added, "No offense, Kevin."

Ryan smiled, "None taken." Before he turned back to Castle and shook his head. When he was sure that he caught Castle's attention, he mouthed, ' _Don't you dare.'_

Castle winked and went on, "Ryan doesn't seem to want to shut up. Especially about Raley and Ochoa."

It slid right over Esposito's head as Castle tried to drop hints. He only thought that Castle was teasing the Irishman. "They are us. Is he supposed to go on and on about you and Becks?" He pulled a face with a shake of his head.

Ryan's ears perked up, "I thought you said they weren't us, Javi?"

Esposito looked flustered as he attempted to turn his head away quickly, but refused to answer his partner's question. Ryan smiled and scooted his chair closer to Esposito's, "It's okay, Javi, you can admit that you think they're us, too."

Esposito rolled his eyes and pushed Ryan's chair back to his desk, "Stop being a dork, Ryan and get back to work."

"We're waiting on Nash and McGuire. And your confession." Ryan added with a small smirk.

Esposito huffed glaring at Castle, "See what you've done? You blew on the flame and now he will not shut up until he gets what he wants. Great job."

Castle was having too much fun with this, "I see he's really got you wrapped around his finger."

Esposito shook his head, "That is wrong, we all know that  _Ryan_ would be the whipped one in our relationship." He noticed what he said a little too late, "Our very  _platonic_ relationship, that is."

Castle laughed and slapped his palm against his thigh, "You two are the cutest."

Ryan smiled softly with a laugh and watched as Esposito was flustered all over again. He clasped his hand on his partner's shoulder. "We get that a lot, don't we, honey?"

Esposito was shoved deeper into embarrassment when he heard the clearing of a throat followed by a woman's voice, "I'm sorry, are we interrupting something?"

The three boys turned quickly to the source of the sound and saw Stacy and Daniel. Stacy eyed Ryan's hand on Esposito's bicep and pulled it away. Her eyes moved from his hand to his eyes and he was waiting for her nod of approval, but he almost felt like she was upset with him.

"Uhh, no, come with us and answer a few more questions we have."

Stacy straightened herself out and directed her attention from Ryan to Esposito, "Of course, Detectives."

Beckett walked back just in time, "We're sorry to bother you again, we have just a few more questions. Castle and myself will take one of you and Detectives Ryan and Esposito will take the other."

Stacy spoke up first before Beckett even had a chance to say another word, "I'll go with Roach."

They all gave her a weird look, so she shook her head and corrected herself, "Sorry, I meant Detectives Ryan and Esposito."

Esposito looked over at Beckett, silently begging for her to not leave them alone with this girl, but she ignored it with a smile, "Then Mr. Nash if you don't mind following Castle and myself."

He nodded and followed the two. Ryan and Esposito glared over at Castle when he winked at them before sauntering away. If Stacy noticed, she didn't say anything as she smiled widely at the two detectives besides her.

Esposito sighed and extended his arm towards the closest interrogation room. "Let's just get a few questions straightened out, Ms. McGuire and then we'll let you go."

A few minutes later, Ryan and Esposito found themselves sitting across a wary looking Stacy as she fidgeted in her seat.

"I'm sorry," She broke the silence, "Did I do something? Why am I in here?"

Ryan shook his head with a soft smile, "No, but we have to separate you and Mr. Nash as we conduct our questioning and they have the room."

Stacy visibly relaxed, "Go ahead,"

Esposito pulled a few papers in front of him and started the questioning to get this over with, "We talked with Brad Heggs and he made it clear that he was in the hospital with his boyfriend when Ms. Huller was murdered. A visit to tend to the burns caused by her."

Stacy shrugged her shoulders as if burning someone was as casual as brushing your teeth in the morning, "So? Those two were always at each other's throats."

Ryan sighs, "Why? So you both have your opinions, why can't you just let the other be?"

Stacy eyed him and after a moment of hesitation said, "It's not that simple, Detective. Sometimes things don't work out with  _talking_ or  _ignoring._ Without a little force, nothing would get done in this world."

"And it turns out force like that is what got Ms. Huller killed." Esposito said flatly.

Stacy turned to him, "Then why are you questioning me instead of trying to find her killer?"

"Our only lead turned out to be a dead end." Ryan explained, "We need anything else you can tell us to help find her real killer."

Esposito continued his partner's train of thought, "There's been a few things popping up in this case that all relate to Richard Castle's  _Nikki Heat_ series. Is there anyone that she got into disagreements about the book with? No matter how small."

Stacy bit her lip in thought before shaking her head, "Not that I know of, sorry. Why? What kind of  _Nikki Heat_ things?"

Esposito and Ryan shared a look, conducting one of their many no-words-conversations. How much should they tell her? What could they even trust her with? They were midst trying to decided when their guest giggled. Both Ryan and Esposito's head snapped to face her.

"Hmph," She covered her mouth quickly, "I'm sorry- it's just that you guys act so much like Raley and Ochoa. I mean, it's perfect parallels between you guys. Mr. Castle did a great job."

Espo cleared his throat awkwardly, "Yes, well, that's actually part of the problem."

Stacy's smile faltered, "I'm afraid I don't understand…"

"You know that Roach crap you were talking about? Some people take it to a whole new level of creepy." Esposito explained. "They don't understand the difference between real life and fantasy."

Stacy's eyebrows furrowed, "What? You two are together?"

Esposito's eyes widened. How did she get that from what he said? "No!" He was getting tired of explaining him and his partner's relationship to people. If they weren't a thing, so what? If they were, that was no ones business. Not that they were at all. He shoved any thought like that out of his head. "Neither are Raley and Ochoa."

She nodded slowly, "You never know…" She bit her lip trying to figure out if she should continue on. In the end, she decided to, "So you two aren't planning together? Is that what this killer wants?"

Ryan's face scrunched in confusion, "We're not sure...but we're not going to  _get together_  because some freak wants us to." He used air quotes around the words, 'get together'.

Stacy looked surprised and even a bit angry, "So you're saying that you'll let more people get killed before you do what they want?"

Espo glared at her, "We're not  _letting people die_. We don't even know what they want. Why do you sound so sure that it has something to do with my partner and I's relationship? You seem so adamant on us getting together when not only days ago you were at an anti-gay rights protest and seem to be active in the community."

Stacy's form straightened and her lips tightened as if she'd be caught in a lie. "I'm sorry for doing  _your_ job and finding my friend's killer. I think I can get over something as small as sexuality when it comes to solving a murder."

Esposito huffed, "Oh, but any other time you can't stand the thought of a man loving another man or two women kissing, huh?" He didn't mean to snap at her, but she was on his last nerve. He acknowledged Ryan's steadying grip on his arm and let his shoulders sag. "I apologize."

Stacy waved her hand, "It's okay, I shouldn't have said what I said." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "Is that all? Can I go now?"

Ryan sighed with a nod, "If anything comes up that you forgot, please don't hesitate to let us know."

She smiled carefully as she stood up, "Of course...and I'm really sorry again. I was out of line before."

Esposito stood up to open the door for her, "Don't worry about it. I know how hard it must be to have lost a friend. We're doing everything we can to find this person."

Stacy threw the two a soft smile before exiting the room and heading out of the bullpen. Once she was out, her smile disappeared. She thought they'd understand by now. But it seems like she'll have to send them the present since they can't take a hint.

* * *

"Mr. Nash, we're sorry to bother you again, but we have just a few more questions." Beckett said as she sat across from the man with Castle by her side.

He nodded his head and got comfortable, "Whatever I can do to help."

Beckett smiled, glad to have his cooperation and he didn't get too annoyed at being called into the precinct again like many people have in the past. She only hoped that the other friend was being as cooperative for Ryan and Esposito. "Well, it turns out that Brad Heggs has a tight alibi of being in the hospital to treat burns on his boyfriend's arms after Ms. Huller spilt her coffee on him."

"I didn't think it was him anyway." Daniel shrugged his shoulders.

Castle leaned forward, "Why would you say that?"

"Theresa is -  _was_  - my best friend, but she could get a little overboard with her protesting. Brad isn't a very violent person. I don't think he could stomach killing anybody." He held his hands up, "I don't hate the guy, I just hate what he believes in."

"Do you know of anyone that might have ever gotten into an argument with her over my books?" Castle asked, brushing off Daniel's last answer.

"You'd probably have a better time asking Stace that, she was into the books longer. I mean, sure I read them, but it was Stacy that introduced us to them. We kinda bonded from their and then Stacy joined us during protests."

"When did she first get you guys into the books?" Beckett asked curiously.

Daniel shrugged his shoulders, "Not long ago. We only met her like a month or two ago."

Castle's eyebrows furrowed, "How did you three meet?"

"Me and Theresa met Stacy one day when we were out at lunch. She came up to us explaining that she was new here and wanted some tips for good restaurants and stuff. We kinda just clicked."

Beckett finished jotting down her notes before looking up from her notebook with a smile, "Thank you for your time, Mr. Nash. I think we have everything we can get."

He smiled before showing himself to the door and leaving Beckett and Castle to talk. Beckett spoke first, "That didn't give us much." She said gloomily.

Castle sighed, "Hopefully Ryan and Esposito got something from Stacy...something isn't setting right with me."

Beckett laughed, "Maybe it's the fact that she's against gays, but has a weird obsession with Ryan and Esposito being together."

Castle shook his head, "I've heard her name before, Beckett. I just cannot remember where. I really don't think she was new to the city only a few months ago." He groaned and pulled at his hair, "It's driving me crazy, Beckett!"

Beckett rolled her eyes, "Calm down, Castle."

He crossed his arms over his chest with a mock pout, "Easy for you to say. Her name isn't driving you insane."

Beckett pecked his cheek chastely before going to leave the room, "Hate to break it to you, babe, but you're past insane."

Castle's upper lip hitched as he mumbled under his breath.

Beckett's head popped back in the doorway, "What was that,  _Rick_?" She batted her eyelashes, feigning innocence.

Castle immediately shut up, "Nothing."

"That's good. Now get your ass out here so we can solve this case."

Castle sighed and pushed himself up from his seat, "Yes,  _Dear_."

* * *

" _They don't understand!" She roared raising her arm and bringing the whip across the smaller man's thighs. "Why don't they understand?!" Another whip._

_The man couldn't help the scream that tore through his throat. His wrists were handcuffed to the bed headboard and his ankles were handcuffed to the foot board. That meant he couldn't cover himself after she had all but ripped his clothes off. He was long past embarrassed, having been tied down to the bed naked next to the other man for a little more than a day now._

_After a call yesterday, their captor left for a few hours hopeful, but came back with steam puffing from her ears. She had barely stopped the beatings since._

" _Maybe because you're a fucking crazy hag!" The Hispanic man besides him yelled._

_The woman thankfully lowered her weapon and caught both of their eyes watching as they both shook in their restraints. She smiled feeling satisfied that they knew who was in charge here; who controlled who. That's the way it had to be or else it wouldn't work._

_She dropped the whip to the floor with a content hum, "I am not crazy."_

" _Oh," The blue eyed man coughed weakly. "So everyone beats two naked men when they refuse to have sex."_

_Her smile disappeared as she growled, "If you would just follow my bidding than you two would not be going through this."_

_Both of them rolled their eyes. The Hispanic man huffed, "Maybe if I actually cared for him that way I'd have sex with him."_

" _And I have a girlfriend," The other pointed out. "We both have a family. Please let us go back to them, we won't even press charges." His heart twisted in his chest at the thought of his girlfriend of three years most likely having a cow searching for him. He almost cried at the thought of the look on his mother's face when they found his naked body beaten in a bed next to a just as beaten and naked stranger. His kid sister would never get over the fact that her big brother was murdered - never able to take her to dance or a concert again._ "Please."

" _I'll give you one last chance."_

_The two men exchanged a last look because both knew that neither would give in. The blue eyed man gave a shaky smile to the other as a goodbye (being tied up with someone for almost 48 hours is a great way to form a bond. A very weird, fucked up bond, but a bond none the less). He cleared his throat looking back up at the crazy woman looming over them, "I guess this is it, then. You might as well just get it over with."_

_The woman smiled before bending down to pick up her whip._

* * *

Beckett groaned in frustration after they compared their questionings, "So basically we have nothing new?"

Esposito sighed, "Not really, unless you count Stacy's weird obsession with me and Kevin."

Castle grinned with a wink, "You two or Roach.  _Oh,_ that's right, there's not much of a difference."

Espo narrowed his eyes and turned to Beckett, "If you don't shut your boy up,  _I will_."

Beckett rubbed Esposito's arm fondly, "He's just teasing, Espo. You know how toddlers are - they're always craving attention."

Castle crossed his arms over his chest, "Hey!"

Beckett smiled at him with a look that said, 'Who? Me?'

Ryan watched his team exchange the banter back and forth until he realized that it could just about go on forever. He cleared his throat and said, "There's actually a thing or two that I wanted to run past you guys...but I think we should do that over dinner." The Irishman looked down at his wrist to check the time.

Castle's face brightened at Ryan's words, "Ohh, I've got a hankering for Chinese. Let's go, Spud."

Ryan's face wrinkled in distaste of the slur, but didn't bother mentioning it since Castle would just shot back another leprechaun name instead. "I guess I'm taking him along." He brushed Castle's hand off his arm.

"We'll be right back, beautiful." Castle smiled and dropped a kiss to Beckett's cheek before turning to face Ryan and follow him out.

Esposito looked over at his partner with a mock-pout, "Where's my goodbye kiss?" He was too busy smiling at Castle because he thought he won that round of teasing Ryan. So he was surprised when he felt Ryan's lips smack loudly against his cheek. Esposito turned to stare at his smirking partner. " _Ugh,_ you got your slobber on me." He wiped his cheek with the back of his head, but he couldn't hide the blush rising to his cheeks.

Ryan smiled and Esposito was glad to see him turn around to exit the bullpen with Castle so that he didn't have to see the deep red his cheeks probably were right now. He wasn't supposed to feel that spark when his partner  _jokingly_ kissed his cheek. It wasn't even a kiss, it was more of Ryan pressing his wet lips against his cheek just to bug him. But, the more Esposito tried to tell himself he  _definitely_ didn't feel anything for his partner, the less he believed it.

Ryan didn't turn back around until he entered the elevator with Castle by his side. He pretended not to notice that his partner's cheek were still tinged pink. He only turned away from his partner when he felt an elbow nudge his arm.

"Finally making a move, huh?" Castle grinned cheekily watching as a faint blush now rose to the Irishman's cheeks.

"One of us has to." Ryan grumbled choosing to stare at the elevator buttons instead of the writer. "It wasn't even serious, don't get excited."

Castle shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. He seemed pretty serious to me."

"I'm not getting into this again, Castle." Ryan said when the elevator dinged signalling its arrival at the ground floor. He walked out of the precinct with Castle following close behind to his car.

"Come on, I know you both feel the same. Don't just let him slip through your fingers!" Castle plopped himself in the shotgun seat.

" _Castle,_ " Ryan started to warn him, but Castle waved his hand to silence him.

"If you're not going to do it for your or Espo's sake, please do it for Beckett and mine. We can only take so much sexual tension before we want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge." Castle looked over at him with raised eyebrows.

Ryan mirrored his look, "There is no sexual tension between me and Javi."

Castle let his hands fall to his thighs with a slap, " _Oh really?_ Then what would you call your constant eye sex?"

Ryan pretended to think before answering, "Hmm, non-existent."

Castle gave a loud laugh, but purposely died down when he looked back at Ryan, "You were being serious?"

"Yes, I was being serious." He made a face ahead of him, figuring he shouldn't risk a car accident just to turn to the writer.

Castle quickly pulled himself together, "Well, so was I." He smiled and turned to face his friend, "You'll both be six feet under if we keep going at your pace."

Ryan wrinkled his nose, "No, Castle. I'm not going to make myself look like an idiot because you made me tell him something that I'm not ready for yet."

"Ah ha!" Castle's sudden yell startled Ryan, but thankfully he was pulling up in front of the Chinese place and not in the middle of the road.

"Castle, what the hell?" Ryan asked looking at the man hesitantly shutting the car off as Castle continued to smirk.

"You admitted that you love him,  _again_." He seemed proud of himself for some reason. "And I know how to help you." Ryan nodded waiting for him to continue, so he did. "I'll pretend to be Esposito, and you be, well, you."

Ryan groaned as he leaned against the seat, "Castle, that's the stupidest thing I've heard. No thank you."

"Don't be such a Debbie Downer, c'mon, it'll help." Castle pouted and nudged Ryan's shoulder again.

Ryan peeked an eye over at Castle to see him giving him, swear to God,  _puppy dog eyes_. "Castle, you're a little too old for pouting, don't you think?"

"And you two are too old to be living through your little crushes!" Castle retorted, keeping Ryan's eye contact.

Ryan pitched his nose, "Okay...if I admit to  _maybe_ liking Javier a bit more than a partner should, will you leave me alone?"

Castle shook his head, "Nope, because I already know you love him. I need you to tell him."

Ryan stayed silent and let Castle's words seep into his brain, especially how casual Castle had used the word love to describe his feelings for his partner. He weighed through the pros and cons in his mind. The worst possibility was that Javier was disgusted with him and never wanted to see him again, but the best outcome was that Javier felt the same and he finally got to hold him the way he's wanted to for years.

And maybe it was the thought of kissing Javier. Or maybe it was the thought of being together with Javier forever. Or maybe it was Castle's puppy dog pout. Whatever the reason, Ryan found himself agreeing with a sigh, "Okay, fine, but only once."

Castle was excited, "Yes!" He turned in his seat so he was fully facing Ryan, "I'll start off okay and you just say what you feel. It's that easy."

Ryan bit back his sarcastic remark on why if it was so easy, did him and Beckett dance around each other for years? Castle was only trying to help and Ryan was actually more than thankful for him. He sighed, but nodded his head, "Alright, I'm ready."

Castle nodded his head and cleared his throat. He spoke with a deep voice, none like Javier's, but Castle couldn't do anything without just a bit of dramatics. "Hey, Kev."

Ryan blushed, and went to look away from Castle already, but the writer held his chin and turned his head back. He shook his head, signalling Ryan that he had to keep looking. Ryan looked into Castle's eyes again and said, "Javi, there's...there's something I need to tell y-you."

Castle played his part well, "What's up, Kev? Are you okay?" Castle noticed Ryan's confusion at his worry and he briefly stepped out of character, " _What?_ We both know if you went up to him like that, his little protective boyfriend instincts would kick in."

Ryan couldn't really deny that and that's when he realized how ridiculous what they were doing was. "Castle-" He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, "This is insane."

Castle waved his hands, "No, no! Ryan, don't stop now. We need to finish our conversation."

Ryan rolled his eyes, but gave in, "Fine, fine. Let's just get this over with before our dinner gets cold in there."

Castle repeated, "What's wrong, Kevin?"

"Javier...I…" He closed his eyes and imagined Javier sitting across from him, "I like you...more than I should...as a partner. And I understand that if you don't feel the same way or if I made this awkward...we could just forget this ever happened." He took a deep breath, "But I love you Javier. I love you so much."

Half of Ryan tricked himself into thinking that he had actually just told his partner his feelings, but Castle's voice reminded him he was just as close to telling Javier how he felt as he was 4 years ago.

"See, Ry, that wasn't so hard." Castle's smile was no longer teasing, but sincere.

Ryan was still blushing and pushed his way out of the car, "Let's just get the food." He didn't wait for Castle before slamming the door shut and heading to the Chinese restaurant doorway.


	4. And the shit hits the fan

That next morning as Castle and Beckett got dressed for work, Castle decided it would be the best time for him to tell Beckett about him and Ryan’s conversation. “I did it!” He announced once he finished buttoning his shirt.

 

Beckett gave him a questioning glance, “Good job, Castle, you know how to dress yourself…” She trailed off in uncertainty as she buttoned up her shirt.

 

Castle rolled his eyes, “I was talking about Mission: G-R-A-E-T-S-T-C-F-E-O-B-O-U-T-I-N-M-S-T.”

 

Beckett blinked a few times and stared at the writer waiting for him to at least explain, but he just stared at her. “I’m sorry,” She shook her head, “Am I supposed to know what the hell that means?”

 

Castle scoffed, “I guess you don’t always pay attention to what I’m telling you, huh?”

 

Beckett threw Castle’s socks harder than needed to him, “When it has a 100 letter acronym, do you really blame me?”

 

Castle caught his balled up socks just before it nailed him in the face. He sat on their bed to safely dress his feet, “It means, Mission: Get Ryan And Esposito Together So They Can Fuck Each Other’s Brains Out Until There Is No More Sexual Tension.”

 

This time, Beckett thought it would be better to just slap him on the arm, “You’re a pig.”

 

Castle smirked and placed a quick kiss on her cheek, “You’ll be thanking me soon enough.”

 

“And how exactly are you going to get ‘Ryan and Esposito to fuck each other’s brains out’?” Beckett followed Castle out of their bedroom into the kitchen where two steaming cups of coffee were waiting.

 

“Ryan is going to tell Espo how he feels.” Castle said as if it was easy as reciting the alphabet.

 

Beckett took a sip of her morning brew and nodded, “Oh, that’s it.” She said with a tinge of sarcasm.

 

Castle noted her sarcastic demeanor and huffed, “Yes, that’s it. Why, did you have something else in mind?”

 

“Castle, you can’t expect Ryan to just tell Esposito that he has feelings for him like that. It may take him a few days to get the courage. It’s not an easy thing to do.” She eyed him as she waited for his response.

 

“Psh, I know that, Beckett,” His face wrinkled up as he rolled his eyes, but Beckett just raised her eyebrows at him. “He’s already been feeling this for a while, so it’s only a matter of time until he tells him.”

 

“You’re crazy, Castle. It took us four years and two near death experiences for us to tell each other how we felt. You can’t expect that much from him.” She grabbed her keys off the small hook and motioned for Castle to follow her out.

 

Castle did so, but the conversation was not dropped yet, “Exactly. And they’ve been partners for, what, seven or eight years? I think that’s more than enough time.”

 

Beckett and Castle walked down the hall, their shoulders brushing, “Castle, it’s different for them.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You know why, Rick.” She said simply as she entered the waiting elevator.

 

Castle tapped his foot, “What? Because they’re both guys? I don’t see a problem with it and I know neither do you.”

 

Beckett sighed heavily, “Yes, Castle, but there are more people in this world than just you and me. You should know exactly who I’m talking about, the current case we’re in and all.”

 

Castle rolled his eyes, “Oh what, dicks like Stacy and Daniel? They don’t matter.”

 

Beckett made sure to lower her voice once they were out of the safety of the elevator, “That won’t stop someone for hurting them because of it.”

 

“That’s a risk they’ll have to take. People want to hurt them already for just doing their jobs. What’s the difference?”

 

Beckett just shook her head as she exited the building to hail down a cabbie. She walked to the edge of the sidewalk and raised her hand watching as a yellow cab slowed to a halt in front of her. Before she slid in, she looked Castle in the eyes and asked, “Just promise me that you won’t force him if he’s not ready, okay?”

 

Castle sighed, but agreed, “Okay, but if he needs just a little push don’t expect me to just sit there.”

*                  *                   *

Ryan sat at his desk attempting to finish his work for their last case, but he was mostly just staring at his partner as he actually finished up his paperwork.

 

He loved when Javier’s eyebrows scrunched together just slightly when he was stuck on a part of the form. Sometimes if it was extra frustrating, Ryan would be able to see him bite his lip. Normally, watching your partner fill out paperwork shouldn’t make someone so flustered, but as Ryan sat across from Javier watching his eyes track along the pages in front of him nibble on his bottom lip, he couldn’t help when he started to feel his blood rush below the belt.

 

He wasn’t half dressed, or giving Ryan ‘the eyes’, or brushing his hand along Ryan’s, or doing anything of the sorts. He was doing his fucking paperwork. He was turned on by watching his partner fill out his paperwork.

 

Javier must have sensed Ryan’s staring, so his eyes shifted from his papers to his partner’s face. His honey eyes were mixed with concern as he quickly scanned Ryan’s face to see if he was alright, “Bro, what’s up? You haven’t moved for the past 5 minutes.”

 

Ryan’s eyes darted from staring directly at Javier’s now red bottom lip, to the higher section of his face. He could feel the blush burning his cheeks, “I’m fine. Just thinking.”

 

Javier hesitated a moment before deciding to let Ryan get away with the vague answer, “Alright, then get your work done so I’m not staying late again with you so you can finish your filing.”

 

Ryan looked down at his desk and pretended to start working. He watched his partner from the corner of his eye and waited for him to look back down at his desk before looking up again. As he looked at Javier, the only thing racing through his mind was his conversation with Castle the previous day and how easy it would be to tell him. That way he wouldn’t have to secretly lust after his partner and he could be the one making those lips sore.

 

In that moment, he decided to screw any negative outcomes and throw all his chances on the plate. He pushed himself up from his chair so roughly it tipped over. The sudden bang startled Javier to look up, but Ryan ignored his surprise and kept walking until he was just in front of his partner.

 

Javier turned his chair around and looked up at Ryan, “What--” But before Javier couldn’t finish his sentence, Ryan was grabbing the collar of his shirt and in a second their lips were smashed together. Javier’s lips were frozen like his body, so Ryan took the initiative to start their kiss. It was only a second of Ryan leading the kiss before Javier’s lips finally joined. Ryan couldn't help but smile into their kiss when he realized finally he was kissing Javier.

 

Suddenly, Ryan felt Javier’s tongue run across his bottom lip and he couldn’t help the small moan that melted into their kiss. He gripped Javier’s shirt tighter and pulled him closer as his hands wrapped around his waist. “Javi--”

 

“Ryan!” Castle’s voice snapped him out of his daydream. He blinked his eyes a few times and saw Beckett, Castle and Javier staring at him. “You okay? You dazed off and have been staring at Espo for the past few minutes. You didn’t even notice us come in.” He gestured to Beckett.

 

Ryan nodded, not meeting anyone’s eyes. He unconsciously lifted a hand to his lips, missing the feel of Javier’s lips against his even though the kiss was only a fantasy. Fantasy, God, he was an idiot for having a fantasy of kissing his best friend in the middle of the precinct. He looked down at his pants to confirm that he was now sporting a fairly noticeable boner that was presently being covered by his desk. Thank God.

 

“Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine. Just, ah, excuse me.” He stuttered before escaping from his desk and rushing towards the bathroom before anyone could notice. He was out of the bullpen and slamming the door to the men’s room in a little over a minute.

 

He stumbled to the sinks with his eyes squeezed shut trying to will his boner away. “Naked Nana. Naked Nana. Naked Nana.” He repeated as he gripped the sink tightly. The mess of this was just about enough to bring it down, but imagining his grandmother naked always did the trick.

 

After he had that settled, he let out a deep sigh and flicked the sink on. Cold water rushed from the sink that he used to splash onto his face. Just as the first drop of water his face, Ryan heard the bathroom door open. Afraid that his partner had followed him, Ryan snapped his head towards the door. He heaved a sigh of relief when he saw it was Castle.

 

“You okay, Ry? Espo was about to come running after you, but I figured it had something to do with our conversation so I told him to stay.” Castle made sure to flip the lock behind him.

 

Ryan didn’t pause before going right into his problem, “I just had a very realistic dream of me practically pouncing on Javier and attacking his lips in the middle of the precinct, Rick.” Ryan rubbed his face with his dry hand. “And  he...he kissed me back.”

 

Castle smiled softly, “I told you that you didn’t have anything to worry about. He loves you just as much as you love him.” He walked over to Ryan’s side and patted his shoulder.

 

Ryan met his smile with his own, “It felt so real, I didn’t even know it was a dream.”

 

Castle laughed, “That’s good. Dreaming requires your brain, so at least we know you’re using your upstairs head just as much as you’re using your downstairs one.” He looked pointedly at Ryan’s crotch.

 

Ryan blushed and cupped his hands around himself, “I, uh, it’s--”

 

Castle clapped his back loudly with a chuckle, “I was kidding around, Kev.” He added with a glint in his eyes, “Well, maybe half kidding.”

 

Ryan rolled his eyes and eased himself from Castle’s grip on his shoulder, “I’m gonna tell him. I can’t go on feeling like this. He’s gotta know.” He looked in the mirror to smooth his hair and clean the drips of water from his eyelashes. He turned around and said, “Good?”

 

Castle nodded his head in approval, “Go get him, tiger.”

 

Ryan nodded confidently and made his way out to the bullpen, ready to confess his love to his partner. And maybe saying that in his head put all of this into perspective and scared him a little, but he was going to go through with this no matter what.

 

He swallowed back any doubts as he marched over to his partner’s desk. Esposito lifted his head when he heard the soft tapping of Ryan’s shoes against the hardwood floor.

 

“You okay, Kev?” Esposito was immediately standing on his feet, heading towards his partner.

 

Ryan nodded, but didn’t responded verbally, “Javi, I need to talk to you in private.”

 

Esposito’s eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t question it. “Sure, bro.” He was following Ryan back into the break room when Beckett stopped them.

 

“Boys, that was Lanie...there’s another and she said this one we need to see.” She flipped her cellphone closed with a thick swallow.

 

Ryan cursed the timing of that call and sighed, “Let’s go, Javi...I’ll tell you later.”

 

Esposito hesitated assuming how important this was for Ryan, “You sure? You can me quickly and then we’ll head out.” He offered.

 

Ryan didn’t even consider the option before shaking his head, “Nah, this case is more important.”

 

Esposito looked him over once more before following Beckett out of the bullpen. Ryan sighed and waited for Castle to catch up before heading towards the elevator.

 

Castle slowed his jog to a steady walk once he reached Ryan’s side. “Sorry, Ryan.”

 

Ryan gave him a small smile, “S’okay, Castle, not your fault. I’ve waited 7 years already to tell him, I can wait a few more hours.”

 

*              *              *

 

“You really had to tell the boys about the call then?” Castle complained on their drive to the crime scene, a worn down apartment building in a dangerous part of town.

 

Beckett rolled her eyes, “I’m sorry, next time I’ll just put our murder cases to the side so those two can wait for their nails to dry.”

 

“He was gonna tell him,” Was all Castle said.

 

Beckett opened her mouth to ask him to be a little more specific, but their early morning conversation came back into mind, “Ryan was going to tell Esposito...really?”

 

Castle nodded his head, “Yup. His little scene earlier was him sorting through everything in his mind. He was literally a minute from telling him after 7 years of waiting.”

 

“He’ll tell him after this, he’s waited this long, he’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”

 

“That’s what he said.” Castle grumbled as he looked out the window, glad to be approaching the crime scene. The quicker they got this done, the quicker Ryan could go back to telling Espo how he felt.

 

“Let’s just worry about your psycho fan right now.” She said as she pulled up behind a flashing police car. “We can only deal with one problem at a time.”

 

Castle followed her out of the car to the apartment building and they headed up to the fourth floor where a closed off section of the hall was waiting with a new aunt from their mysterious psycho. They got to the apartment with no trouble; it wasn’t that difficult to find the only one surrounding by medical examiners and the NYPD.

 

Beckett lifted the yellow police tape so her and Castle could duck underneath. The moment they stepped into the overcrowded living room, Castle and Beckett felt the entire room’s eyes on them.

 

Castle leaned down to whisper in Beckett’s ear, “I didn’t forget my pants again, right?”

 

Beckett checked down and shook her head, “Nope,”

 

“So why is everyone staring…” Castle wondered as hushed whispers joined the staring.

 

“They’re probably not used to seeing a monkey out of it’s cage and walking around New York. You forget you’re not in the zoo anymore.” Esposito piped in from the back.

 

Castle turned around, startled, “I didn’t hear you guys come up behind us.”

 

Esposito rolled his eyes and jabbed his thumb towards his partner, “This doofus is trying out some new exercise routine and is taking the stairs everywhere. I figured I’d keep him company during his self inflicted torture.”

 

Ryan scoffed, “It’s good for the legs…” His argument trailed off when he noticed the staring and whispering as well. “What did you do now Castle?” He asked the writer who looked appalled.

 

“Why are you assuming it’s because of me?” He tuned around to face the Irishman.

 

“Who else’s fault would it be?” Esposito shrugged his shoulders.

 

Lanie chose that moment to join the four, “I know why they’re staring and whispering and it’s not because of Castle.”

 

Castle smirked and shoved Esposito and Ryan lightly, “Ha! See? Not my fault!”

 

“But I wish it was just something stupid Castle did.” Lanie sighed looking at Esposito and Ryan.

 

“Why?” Ryan asked hesitantly, sensing something was wrong.

 

“You haven’t seen the bodies yet.” She stated, more than asked.

 

Beckett gulped, “Bodies? More than one person was killed?”

 

Lanie nodded shortly and waved towards the bedroom door, “They’re on the bed...just before you go in, a little warning; it’s a little uncomfortable.”

 

The four exchanged uneasy glances before Beckett cleared her throat, “Show us what you got, Lanie.”

 

Lanie opened her mouth and hesitated like she wanted to say something, but in the end decided against it and sighed before ushering them inside the small bedroom. There were flashes from cameras and other detectives blocking the bodies, so Lanie filled them in while they waited for the room to clear out.

 

“We believe they’ve been here since some time last night, but they were the killer’s hands maybe a few days by looking at the bruises and such. COD is the beatings and bleeding to death, it definitely wasn’t a painless way to go.”

 

The three people in front of the five of them finally noticed they were waiting and stepped away. The younger officer out of the three went pastly white when his eyes landed on Ryan and Esposito. He swallowed thickly and quickly turned his head away.

 

Neither noticed, as they were too busy trying to see for themselves just what all of the commotion was about.

 

They got their answer when they saw the two bodies in the bloody bed.

 

Beckett couldn’t hold back the gasp as her hand flew to her mouth. “Holy shit.”

 

Castle rubbed his eyes multiple times to check and see if what was in front of him was real. “This is fifty shades of fucked up.”

 

Ryan and Esposito remained quiet as they stared at the two naked men in front of them. They were lying shoulder to shoulder, with one hand cupping the other’s crotch to keep some of their dignity. Not really though.

 

First off, they were naked and beaten leaving hardly any unscathed skin to the eye. Only to add to it all, their hands were laying on the other man’s member. They weren’t even covering themselves, rather covering each other. Assumedly, it was most likely set up like that by the killer.

 

But the most horrific part of the scene was that they looked exactly like Ryan and Esposito.

  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

The tension in the room was thick and uncomfortable. The room was silent besides for the occasional shutter of the cameras.

 

The two naked men looked exactly like Ryan and Esposito. Hell, if the two detectives hadn’t been standing there, anyone would have assumed that it was them in the bed.

 

Ryan couldn’t ignore the whispering between the uniforms behind him. He felt embarrassed about this whole situation and even more so that he was about to tell Javier how he felt. He definitely couldn’t-- wouldn’t-- do that now. He glanced sideways at his partner and noticed his usual face noticeably paler.

 

Ryan’s stomachs twisted inside, maybe he’d never tell him. His reaction of seeing ‘them together’ didn’t look too promising.

 

“That is disgusting.”

 

Ryan felt his heart break just slightly after hearing Javier’s comment. He only nodded numbly besides him; he didn’t trust his voice at all.

 

“Daniel Santos and James O’Bergh,” Lanie said , her voice soft, but professional. “Were left behind by your killer. Along with another note.” She held out a sheet of paper with magazine cut out letters addressing another note to Castle.

 

Castle quickly looked away from the bodies and accepted the paper from Lanie’s hand and began to read aloud, “They should have listened. If they had, they’d be alive right now. You better have your boys get their shit together and see what they need or else Roach will be next. You’ve been warned, Rook. I know they’re being uncooperative and it needs to end now. There will be no more freebies. They’re next.”

 

Ryan noticed Javier stiffen next to him after Castle finished reading the letter. Beckett said bitterly, “I guess he figured, he’s already in for three counts of murder, why not add threatening to the list.”

 

Beckett turned around to the surrounding officers, “I want a detail around both of Detective Ryan and Esposito’s apartment buildings.”

 

“Woah,” Esposito turned away from the bed to face Beckett, “Me and Ryan don’t need uniforms watching us. We know how to take care of ourselves.” He balled his fists in frustration, “We don’t need to babysat. This is our case, too. You’re not kicking us off it.”

 

Ryan took his partner’s side, “This is obviously all because of us. We have to be the ones to put  this creep behind bars. You know you’d want the same.”

 

“Well,” Castle interjected, “When has that ever ended well for Beckett?” Ryan did see his point, but it did nothing to sway his decision.

 

“We’re catching this guy. Either with your help or behind your backs. Make a decision.” Esposito crossed his arms over his chest and Ryan mimicked his partner with a firm nod of his head.

 

Beckett sighed, “Fine, but from now on you’re telling me where you’re going when you leave and you call to check in every now and then.”

 

“Beckett, come on, we’re not bab--” Ryan was cut off by her glare.

 

“I don’t care, you’re lucky I’m not sending your asses home right now.”

 

“Nothing is going to happen, Beckett.” Esposito rolled his eyes and Beckett scoffed, “Let’s keep it that way.”

 

Castle turned back to the bodies on the bed, “Beckett and I will talk to their families…”

 

Ryan watched as his partner looked anywhere but their look alikes, not that he blamed him. Ryan stole another glance and couldn’t help the chill he felt as his stared at the lifeless men; how close and intimate they looked was how he imagined him and Javi to be one day. Without the murder part, of course.  

 

If he went and told his partner how he felt, he’d probably think he was a creep and ask Gates to transfer. Only a sicko would make it seem like he got off to two men that looked exactly like themselves killed and placed in a bed naked, practically in each other’s lap.

 

“Hey, Ry, you okay?” Esposito’s voice broke his thoughts. Ryan blinked and looked up to see his team looking at him with concerned eyes.

 

Ryan cleared his throat and looked past Castle’s shoulder, “How long are they going to sit there and snap pictures? We get it, they look like me and Javi. What else do they need?” He gave the surrounding offenders a glare that was not very intimidating as he had hoped it to be.  

 

“You know they have to take care of everything; it’s routine, Ryan.” Beckett sighed, “The bus will be here in a few minutes and they’ll be gone.”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan grumbled, “But the memories won’t be.” Ryan took one last look at the bodies before shoving past the officers idly standing behind them and staring at the crime scene in front of them.

 

Ryan ignored the hushed whispers and the occasional chuckle and finger pointing towards him. Everyone’s attention seemed to be on him and Santos and O’Bergh; he needed to get out of there. His breathing increased into rapid, shallow breaths and with each breath he urged himself to walk faster.

 

He practically ripped the police tape off the wall when he tried to get far enough away from the whispers, camera shuttering and stares. Just as he let himself sag against the hallway wall two doors down from the crime scene, he felt a strong grip on his shoulder.

 

Ryan looked up to find Castle’s concerned gazed fixed on him. “Kev, listen you’ve got to calm down. You’re giving yourself an anxiety attack.”

 

“I can’t do it, Castle.” Ryan felt his heart thump harder and faster inside his chest, but he couldn’t calm down. “He can’t know how I feel...it’ll be weird and awkward; it’ll ruin everything.”

 

Ryan felt Castle rub his shoulder again and whisper, “Okay, it doesn’t have to be today. Give yourselves a day or two. But don’t continue to keep it in. You’ve gotta tell him and unless you want that time to be now, I’d calm yourself down because here comes lover boy fretting over his partner.”

 

Just as Castle backed away, Esposito was directly in front without an inch of room to spare, “Kevin? Are you okay? You ran out without saying anything-- had me worried there.” He chuckled nervously.

 

Feeling his partner close by and close to his trembling self was enough to calm his heart rate. “I just...can we get out of here? I can’t stand the whispering or looking at…” He swallowed unable to finish.

 

Beckett was on that right away and cleared a path through the foot traffic of NYPD and EMTs, “We’ll head back to the 12th; don’t think I forgot you’re both under a threat.”

 

Esposito opened his mouth to complain, but Castle was quicker, “How’s this sound? We’ll head back and Ryan and Espo can take a break; maybe some dinner and Madden while me and Beckett will interview our newest victims’ families down at the station. This way, you two will get a quick breather from this and when we bring in the families they won’t see you and possibly get upset.”

 

Esposito sighed, but shrugged his shoulders without a complaint. “Sounds good to me, I guess, but you’re not kicking us off this case.” He narrowed his eyes at the writer.

 

“Of course not, Espo. We understand.” He raised his hands defensively.

 

Esposito eyed him closely for a brief moment before he finally eased Ryan off the wall to lead him out of the crowded hallway. Just as Ryan and Esposito were about to make their way to the elevator, Esposito’s phone went off. Esposito pulled his phone from his pocket and read the ID outloud, “Unknown,” With a shrug of his shoulders he slid his finger across the answer key and placed it to his ear. “Hello?”

 

Ryan watched as the confusion on Esposito’s face deepened when a voice must have answered him on the other end of the line, “Stacy? Is that you?” He didn't need anyone to ask before he was switching to speaker.

 

“Yeah,” Her voice crackled through the phone, “I was wondering if you caught the guy that killed my friend yet.”

 

Esposito rolled his eyes, he really didn’t need a backseat driver on this case. “Not yet, Stacy.” His voice was clipped and Ryan knew Esposito long enough to tell he was agitated.

 

“Well, do you at least have someone watching my apartment?” She asked in a tone that Esposito didn’t appreciate one bit.

 

“What’s wrong? Did someone threaten you?” Esposito asked.

 

“Not necessarily, but I’ve just had this weird feeling all day long and there was this suspicious man outside my building three times today. Just standing there. I’d feel safer with New York’s Finest closeby.”

 

Esposito sighed, “Alright, we’ll be there in a few minutes and check it out. Maybe some of your neighbors know who he is.”

 

“Thank you so much!” She soundly carefree; like she hadn’t just reported a possible perp. “I’ll see you and Detective Ryan soon.” And she hung up.

 

Esposito stared down at his phone before he said slowly, “So, I guess Ryan and I are going down there.”

 

Beckett wasn’t so easily convinced, “I don’t know...it could be dangerous.”

 

And suddenly going to Stacy’s apartment seemed like the perfect idea to Ryan because he was already tired of Beckett’s mama bearness. “We’ll be fine, we’re grown men. Javi and I’ll check it and then head back home, catch up on some Madden and meet you back in the 12th tomorrow.”

 

Beckett still looked apprehensive, but nodded anyway, “Call if you get into trouble.”

 

Esposito rolled his eyes, “Of course,” He turned to his partner, “C’mon, bro. Quicker we check up on this chick, the quicker I get to kick your ass in Madden.”

 

Ryan finally felt the anxiety flush from his mind and an easy smile found its place on his face, “Oh, you’re on.”

***

Ryan and Esposito found themselves in front of Stacy’s apartment building no more than a half hour  later. As they made their way up the staircase, Ryan spoke up, “Does this bother you?”

 

Esposito’s pace didn’t falter, “Does what? The fact that someone thinks we should get in bed together?”

 

Ryan shook his head, not wanting to know if his partner thought they should be together or not. Not yet. He couldn’t bear the heartbreak. “The fact that people are dying because of us.”

 

That time, Esposito did stop his walking, “Don’t say that, bro. None of this is our fault. We shouldn’t have some psycho killing people because we’re not having sex.”

 

“Well,” Ryan said suddenly feeling brave, “Does that bother you?”

 

Esposito eyed him as they finally reached Stacy’s floor, “What? That someone thinks we belong together?”

 

Ryan hesitated before nodding.

 

Esposito thought for a brief moment and opened his mouth to answer-- only to be interrupted by a familiar sounding scream. Their conversation forgotten, they made a mad dash to Stacy’ apartment number and Esposito opened the already ajar door. Ryan had his gun out and his partner’s back until he could turn his attention back to his own weapon. They stepped through the door and Ryan called out, “Stacy? Are you okay?”

 

Suddenly the door slammed shut and Stacy’s voice was behind them, “Oh, I’m fine, Detective. Are you?”

 

Ryan and Esposito both twirled around to face a smirking Stacy, perfectly fine; no reason for her to be screaming. “Did you scream?” Could they have had the wrong room?

 

“Yes, how else was I supposed to get your attention?” She was starting to terrify Ryan.

 

“Stacy...what is this about?”

 

“Oh, I think you know, Raley.”

 

Ryan’s stomach plummeted to his stomach. Their killer was in front of their damn faces the entire time. He raised his gun, “Stacy, don’t even think about it.” In his peripheral vision he noticed the bedroom door open, exposing her stripped bed.

 

“You didn’t listen to me.” She growled, “Not once. I warned you! Didn’t I?” She started to advance them, but she had no weapon so neither wanted to pull the trigger just yet.

 

“You haven’t done anything to us yet, so how about you just let us go and we’ll sort through this with the DA?” Esposito said carefully.

 

She scoffed, “Please, I already know I’m in a heap of trouble. Why not go out with a bang?”

 

Ryan shivered at the obvious choice of wording, “Stacy--” But before he could say anything else, she somehow managed to knock his gun from his hand and held it to his chest.

 

“Drop the gun, Detective,” She said to Esposito, “Or else I shoot your boyfriend.”

 

Esposito didn’t play any games, he knew what she was capable of and tossed his gun to the ground. He raised his hands in the air, glad to see her lower the gun from his partner’s chest. In a flash, she raised it again and smacked it against Ryan’s temple with enough force to drop him like a rock. Esposito felt his heart stutter and felt himself dive towards his partner, but a uppercut to his jaw knocked him to the floor, followed by a swift kick sending his vision black.

 

***

 

The next time Esposito opened his eyes, he had a pounding headache and he shivered once when he realized that the room was much colder. He cracked his eyes open and blinked them a few times trying to get his bearing back. He was on a strange bed in a strange room. A look down at his body showed that he was also missing his clothes, that must have been why the room felt so cold.

 

But why was he naked in an unknown bed? The last thing he could remember was heading to Stacy’s apartment with Ryan and oh my God.

 

He shot up in bed, the memories crashing against his skull like waves on a shore. Now wide awake, he turned searching for his partner and immediately found him just as naked, unconscious and face down on the bed. Unlike Esposito, his wrists were handcuffed to the bedboard.

 

“No, no, no,” Esposito muttered under his breath when he leaned over his partner and lifted his fingers to his neck to feel for a pulse. He was able to breathe again when he felt a soft thumping against his fingers.

 

He pulled himself up and studied the room looking for any means of escaping. If he could wake up Ryan, they could easily sneak out of the room and take on Stacy. He first would have to go look for the key that could unlock the cuffs around his partner’s wrists. He went to push himself off the bed, but cursed when he noticed that his ankle was restrained to the bed instead of his wrists.

 

“Fuck,” He cursed louder and jerked his foot once or twice to test the chain. It was not as restricting as the cuffs, so he was able to move around the bed, unlike Ryan.

 

“You think I’d really leave you free?” A new presence joined him in the small room. “I’m not an idiot.”

 

Esposito narrowed his eyes at the damned woman, “Let us go, you crazy bitch.”

 

She only laughed, “But we haven’t even started our fun yet!” She turned to inspect his partner, “We should wake him up...unless you’re into that somnophilia kinda stuff.”

 

She moved one step and Esposito growled leaning over his partner protectively, “Stay the fuck away from him.”

 

She grinned, “You two seem very comfortable in your skin, maybe you didn’t need my push after all.”

 

Esposito felt his cheeks burn up when he remembered that both him and Ryan were naked. “Where did you put our clothes? Why did you take them off?”

 

She rolled her eyes and kneeled besides the bed, “For the fun, Detective Ochoa.”

 

“Fuck you, it’s Esposito.”

 

“Not today, dear.” She gestured behind herself to a video recorder on a tripod pointed towards the bed. Esposito felt sick that not only was she seeing this, but whoever the fuck else would get their hands on this camera.

 

Being distracted enabled Stacy to slap Ryan’s face hard and strong enough to startle him awake. She stood back and smiled as Ryan blinked his blue eyes open slowly. He figured out where he was much quicker than Esposito did and jerked from Stacy and the edge of the bed, only to be held down by the cuffs.

 

“The fuck,” He groaned when the metal digged into his wrists more with each tug.

 

Stacy took a seat in the chair next to the camera and smiled pulling her cell phone out. “I think you both know how this goes...you’ll do what I say or else I kill you.”

 

Esposito shook his head, “You actually think we’re going to…because you’re telling us to?!”

 

“It’s not just what I want,” Stacy’s insane mind tried to reason, “I’ll be reading it all from a Roach fic so this will just be someone else’s fantasy. Not that I won’t enjoy every bit of.” She waved her phone with a grin.

 

“You’re sick,” Esposito said keeping his distance from his partner, but he was still close enough that he could protect him if that bitch got any closer.

 

Stacy ignored his comment, “I hope you two don’t mind a bottom, more submissive Raley.” She giggled, “That’s my favorite.”

 

The color drained from Ryan’s face and the handcuffs around his wrists seemed to grow tighter even though he wasn’t moving anymore. He knew how they worked; they were meant for perps, so the more the perps struggled against them, the tighter they bit into their skin. He didn’t like being on the receiving end.

 

“Don’t mind the camera,” It’s just here for my other friends who ship you two. Do you know how many hits my blog will get when I post a video of the real Raley getting fucked forward, backwards, sideways and upside down by the real Ochoa?” She jittered in her seat, “I’ll be a hero to the ship.”

 

Esposito swallowed, “Too bad you won’t get anything because we aren’t going to do anything.”

 

Stacy’s good mood was hindered by Esposito’s comment and she pulled a glock from behind her back. “Oh, I think something will happen, alright. Or else I’ll shoot you both.”

 

Esposito’s eyes flicked to the camera and hoped that maybe if they kept her distracted enough she could confess to all her other crimes, and when Beckett and Castle finally found them they’d get the tape and be able to put this skank behind bars.

 

“So you’ll kill us like you killed the other three?” Maybe he could get the confession early on.

 

“I’m sorry,” She smirked, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t kill anyone.”

 

Dammit.

 

“And don’t worry, it’s only around 7 n the morning and last night I texted Beckett to let her know due to you and Ryan’s very intense Madden game, you may arrive to work a little late.” She flicked her hand, “Don’t worry though, she completely understand seeing as you probably needed some time away from this case. So we’ve got hours of fun.”

 

Dammit.

 

She turned back to her phone and cleared her throat, “Let’s see, there’s a story leading up to the release of all your pent up, sexual frustration, but I say we skip to the fun part.” She scrolled through for a few seconds and smiled, stopping at what was a part she deemed okay to start at. “Stripping down, done already, Ochoa cuffs Raley to the bed done--” She looked up, “I’ve helped you guys get started, shouldn’t be that hard for you.”

 

“Thanks for that,” Esposito replied sardonically.

 

She smiled and turned back to her phone, “Here we go, Ochoa looks down at his partner, squirming, begging for him underneath him and can’t remember another sight as beautiful. He wishes he could sear this memory into his mind forever, so he’d never forget this moment.”

 

Ryan and Esposito avoided each other’s gaze as she continued to read from the fanfiction about how much Raley just wanted to be filled by Ochoa. And no matter how much they knew they shouldn’t, they both felt themselves get harder imagining themselves in their alter’s positions. Though, neither wanted the other to know.

 

“Ochoa lowered himself on Raley, eliciting a moan from him when their aroused cocks brushed along each other--Why aren’t you two following along?” She stopped, apparently so caught up in her reading that she didn’t notice Ryan and Esposito obviously not grinding up against one another in the bed, like ‘they’ were in the story.

 

“You expect us to follow whatever fucking garbage you’re reading?” Esposito shouted, “You’re fucking insane.”

 

“Would you prefer to make up your own story...I have a variety of costumes, toys--”

 

“What we’d prefer is for you to let us the fuck go!” Esposito snarled jumping up from his spot, but making sure to keep himself covered from the camera. There wasn’t even pillows or blankets on  the mattress to give themselves privacy.

 

“Too bad,” Her foul mood came back and she jumped from her spot on the chair and waved the borrowed gun over her head angrily, “I tried to make this fun for you two, but you’re being as thick-headed as the other two!”

 

Esposito bit back his grin when he got a portion of a confession from her.

 

“You two are going to fuck each other right now because I went through a lot to get you two here!” She brought the gun down to Ryan’s arm, “When are you two going to realize this isn’t a game?!” And she shot the gun.

 

Ryan gasped in pain and looked down at his arm seeing the bullet had lodged itself somewhere deep. Esposito quickly leaned over to inspect his partner’s arm, but Stacy took the initiative to shove him down on top of the injured detective.

 

Ryan grunted at the sudden pressure on his body and then his brain seemed to connect with his dick and realize his partner was naked on top of him and he felt himself grow harder. He groaned and hoped that Esposito passed it off as a reaction to the collision.

 

Esposito pushed himself up, but couldn’t move away with the gun now pointed in his back. “I will shoot.” Stacy promised.

 

Esposito didn’t know what to do, he could either have some level of intercourse with his partner and live or refuse and die...it’s not that he didn’t want to, but there’s a difference between doing something like this in the safety of your bedroom and in front of a murder and her camera. He wasn’t sure if Ryan wanted the same, but the hot, semi-hard, dick that belonged to his partner currently sticking into his thigh gave him a good idea.

 

But he knew he wouldn’t want it like this. Here.

 

The gun was still pressed into his back, so he leaned down and whispered in Ryan’s ear low enough so only he could hear, “Beckett and Castle will know something’s up, we just have to get a confession and keep her distracted until they come.” Ryan nodded, but felt his hips jerk upwards when he felt his partner suddenly nibble on his ear.

 

“What--”

 

“Distraction.” That’s right, Esposito was only distracting Stacy, there was no way he actually wanted this. He had to control himself or else he was fucked. Shit, Ryan grimaced, bad choice of words.

 

So Ryan let Esposito continue to suck and kiss his neck because it was enough to have Stacy pull the gun away and the sick part of him enjoyed it. He shouldn’t be, he and his partner were forced to have sex for some pedo’s enjoyment.

 

Stacy seemed pleased enough to take her seat again and let them go about it all how they wished. “Don’t be quiet boys, make all the noise you want.” She sent a wink over to the partners in the bed.

 

Esposito was doing his best to hold himself up, so he wasn’t lying on top of his partner, but only looked it. He thanked years of military training for giving him the strength. He kept his hands to himself and held back with the kisses now that Stacy was out of their hair; he didn’t want to make it more uncomfortable than it already was.

 

His current task was to make sure his partner was doing okay after being shot in the arm. He was breathing heavier, and his face was scrunched trying to ignore the pain in his bicep. “Just hold on, Ryan. We’re getting out of here.”

 

Ryan nodded numbly as he slowly opened his eyes back up. “I know.”

 

“Good.”

 

* * *

 

It had only been a half hour at most, the next time she got angry, but they soon realized that she was expecting to have sex so them lying perfectly still in the bed  was not going to work. Esposito managed to push himself to a spot next to Ryan, still too close for either of their liking, but it was better than literally being on top of each other.

 

Ryan’s arm was still bleeding, but noticeably slower and his skin was now a more pasty white than his normal milky complexion. Ryan didn’t dare move, fear of upsetting whatever blood was clotting and even bring back the pain he was trying to ignore.

 

“Hey,” She barked from her seat, looking up from her phone she had been playing on. “What aren’t I hearing any groaning and moaning?”

 

Esposito bit back whatever sarcastic remark he had lined up and remained quiet. He thought she’d appreciate his silence, but when she shot back up from her chair and stomped over he knew he was wrong.

 

“You two have been laying in this bed since last night and nothing has happened...what the fuck are you waiting for?!” She roared, slamming the butt of the gun into Ryan’s stomach. His entire body flinched at the soon to be bruise, skyrocketing pain through his stomach, wrists and arm.

 

Esposito pushed himself up and shoved her away from his partner, he didn’t think twice about ‘never hitting a girl’, she was getting his worst. “Stay the fuck away from him.”

 

“You shouldn’t be telling me what to do!” She regained her stance too quickly for either Ryan Esposito’s liking. She was back by their side and had the gun raised to Esposito’s head, “You move for any other reason than to have fun with Raley than I will shoot you right in the head. And tell me, who will protect your partner then?”

 

Esposito narrowed his eyes, but came closer to Ryan either way. “Okay, no need to go trigger happy, bitch.” He muttered and awkwardly repositioned himself on top of Ryan where he was earlier. “Sorry, Ryan.” He whispered softly before turning to Stacy, “Happy now?”

 

But she didn’t budge, “I want something now.”

 

Esposito racked his brain for an excuse to delay it; they didn’t give Castle and Beckett enough time yet. But she didn’t want to give them any time and swiftly switched the gun from Esposito’s forehead to the bullet wound in Ryan’s arm. She dug it in deep and harsh into the hole in his arm, causing him to writhe in pain and a sweat break across his forehead.

 

Esposito went to shove her away again, but Stacy only stuck the gun in deeper, “I said now.”

 

Esposito was hesitate to move, but Stacy must have continued to increase the pressure on his wound because soon he was groaning in pain and shouted, “Javi! Just go, then she’ll stop.” He was breathing heavier and panting. Stacy smirked at his words, but didn’t hold back on the force she was using at all.

 

Esposito leaned down, but lifted his head up a second later, “Ryan--”

 

Stacy growled, “It’s now or I shoot and this time the bullet will make him suffer.”

 

Esposito took one last look at his partner’s face; scrunched up in pain and silent tears were slowly leaking from the corner of his eyes. Whether he was crying from the pain or the situation or maybe it was a combination, he didn’t know. Espo didn’t blame him. He wanted to cry, too.

 

Esposito lowered his lips to Ryan’s collarbone and he left dry, short, pecks to his skin. He wouldn’t call his lips connecting to his partner’s sweaty, trembling body a kiss. He tried to pretend this wasn’t Ryan and he wasn’t shaking with a gun pressed into a bullet wound, but it didn’t work at all. He was just passing his ribs when he heard his partner try and muffle a sniffle and that’s when he pulled himself back up. “I can’t.”

 

Ryan met his eyes, wide and frantic, and shook his head. His usually perfectly gelled hair was clinging to his forehead and his arms were still restrained above his head uncomfortably; his wrists now bruised and bleeding underneath the biting metal.

 

Stacy’s head whipped from Ryan to Javier, and judging by the red in her face she was done with their waiting. “No!” She roared and snapped the gun back from Ryan’s arm to butt Esposito just above the eye with it. He fell off his hands and his head landed on Ryan’s stomach, hard, leaving them both winded. He blinked, trying to get his surroundings back after the blow, but blood began to drip down from his eyelid so he wiped his brow. The blood began to pour again and Esposito could only guess she nicked his forehead above his eyebrow.

 

“I didn’t kill Theresa for you to not listen! I didn’t torture those other two fools until they begged me to stop just before I killed them to have you refuse! I’m so close, you can’t. Say. No!” She grabbed Ryan’s arm, right where she shot him and shook him in. But, every time she jerked him around, the cuffs only drew more blood and pain.

 

“Stop,” Ryan gasped, unable to do anything to stop her. “Please.”

 

“No,” She threw him back to the bed harshly and then pressed her arm against his throat, “You beg him, beg your partner.”

 

“J-Javi,” He managed to choke out with her still blocking his airway, but she stopped his speech by pressing harder.

 

“No, your partner, Raley!”

 

Ryan swallowed back the shame, it wasn’t like he didn’t have any now; this was just the cherry on top. “Ochoa,” He said and Stacy finally seemed satisfied to back off a bit and let him breath. “Please, I need you n-now, Ochoa.” He said in a broken voice, with his his tear filled eyes looking up at his partner.

 

“Tell him what you need, Raley.” Stacy snapped and Ryan’s bright eyes turned to look up at the ceiling.

 

Esposito watched his mouth try to move and form words, but he couldn’t watch him struggle anymore. He didn’t want Ryan to have to say anything more; this crazy bitch has put him through enough. So he did the only thing that Stacy wouldn’t hit one of them for, but more importantly because he wanted to.

 

He swooped down just before Ryan said anything else and caught their lips together. Ryan was still at first, but Esposito continued to move his and whispered, “Shh, I’ve got you, Kev. You’ll be okay.”

 

And that’s when Ryan gave up and let his lips finally move back to return the kiss. And this kiss wasn’t just a distraction, this was his partner’s way of telling him what went unsaid for years just in case something went wrong.

 

When Esposito pulled backwards, he smiled weakly down at his partner one last time before turning to Stacy, “We’re done. No more of your games.” He grabbed the gun in her hand lifted it against his chest. “Here’s when you pull the trigger.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. I'll probably post an update next week or something and take a hiatus for both this and Vindicta because I'm starting to write a story for the Castle Ficathon. It's RYsposito, but it'd gonna be long and I only have the summer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short hiatus, I'm mostly writing my ficathon but I felt bad leaving these others unupdated. Enjoy :)

 

"Castle," Beckett stopped reading through her computer screen to look at the writer. "Staring at the elevator isn't going to make them suddenly appear."

Castle shifted in his seat. "How late did he say they were going to be?"

Beckett rolled her eyes and turned back to her report. "A hour or two. Just give them a few minutes, Castle. We only got in a half hour ago."

"It's not like them to be late. You know that just as much as I do," He pointed out, sitting further in his chair with his elbows resting on his knees. "Especially with this case."

"Hopefully they went home, got drunk and are sleeping it off while we wrap this up." Beckett massaged her temple, not to fight off a headache but rather the worry that began to seep through her mind.

"They'd be here, Kate-" Castle was like the nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her to go check up on her boys. Only more annoying.

He was interrupted by the ding of the elevator's arrival and his daughter calling his name. "Dad!" She walked quickly over to their desk clump. "Sorry," she looked over at Beckett apologetically for disrupting their case. "I was going to run out to lunch with my friends, so I figured I'd drop off your wallet. You left it on the island." She dropped the black leather into her father's hand before turning around to face their murder board. "I know this case is straining you guys, I can tell when-" She stopped short, lifting her hand up to point at one of the hanging pictures. "Stacy McGuire."

Beckett picked herself up from her seat and approached Alexis' side. "Do you know her, Alexis?"

Alexis shrugged her shoulders and said, "We used to hang out. Back in like high school. Dad, don't you remember her?" She turned to her father and stared at him quizzically.

Castle did a double take at the picture, but there was still no recognition. "Should I?" Weird, he was usually great at remembering Alexis' friends.

Alexis chuckled humorlessly. "She was a little wacky; I'm surprised you don't. But I can't say that I'm surprised she's a suspect."

"She's not. She knows the victim," Beckett said slowly trying to piece it all together.

Castle was more interested in knowing the girl. "Did she ever come to the loft?"

Alexis rolled her eyes and started to retell their meeting; Beckett turned with rapt attention. "We were friends in freshmen year-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Castle waved his hands interrupting the story. "You met her 9th grade? 7 years ago? She said she just moved here! I knew she was lying," he crossed his arms over his chest in victory.

Alexis rolled her eyes and continued on, "Anyway, she was always gushing about how great of a writer you are. She had just read Heat Wave. My other friend, Nicole, told her I was your daughter. They were dating at the time-"

"She was dating Nicole?" Castle's eyebrows shot up. "I knew Nicole's bisexual...but Stacy is very active in non-gay rights."

"Stacy, as far as I know, is a lesbian, Dad-"

"Then, why-"

"You're the detectives! Stop interrupting." She huffed and said, "As I was saying, she met you for like a quick minute as you rushing out to meet with James Patterson for lunch. She was crazy. The minute you left, she turned to me and asked if she could meet the real Raley and Ochoa. I told her that they were pretty busy, but maybe. And then for the next three hours she went on and on about the things she thought they did behind the scenes of Heat Wave. And if she wasn't talking about two guys who I looked to as older brothers, it'd be kinda hot." She raised her hands in defense when Castle looked scandalized. "She read a very detailed narrative of the two, making me unable to look them in the eyes for at least a week."

"So she was one of your Dad's super fans and had the Roach goggles on full blast?" Beckett asked the young woman.

"Yeah, but she was too much. I stopped talking to her a week later when she said she would do anything to watch Roach bump the uglies. Only with much more vulgar language." Alexis shivered and turned back to the murder board, catching the picture she missed first glimpse. Her hands covered her mouth and she whispered, "Oh my God."

Beckett eye's darted to the picture of the dead Ryan and Espo look a likes. "Alexis, do you think she'd do that?"

Alexis turned her head to stare at Beckett with wide, glassy eyes and only nodded.

Beckett muttered a string of curses as she grabbed her keys from her desk, "Come on, Castle. You were right."

* * *

Beckett and Castle pulled up besides Stacy's apartment. Beckett slammed her door shut harder than needed. "13 hours, Castle. They've been here for 13 fucking hours."

Castle jogged to the front door next to Beckett, "Maybe they're home and safe. They could be okay."

Beckett shook her head, running straight to the steps and bounded up them two at a time. "No, Espo would have picked up and told me to fuck off in a half drunk/half hungover haze. I'm such an idiot!"

"We'll get them back, Kate," Castle promised as they reached Stacy's floor. He was running right behind her when they reached her apartment.

Beckett didn't hesitate before pounding on the door. "Stacy! Open the door! NYPD!" They didn't hear any response at first. Beckett was a second away from busting down the door, probable cause or not, when she heard a shout from the inside.

The voice was hoarse and broken and so familiar. She didn't recognize it until she heard it again.

"Beckett!"

She knew that voice. She was able to get her voice to cooperate and scream back, "Ryan!" She sent her foot crashing through the wooden door and it exploded off its hinges.

She barged into the room, her gun cocked and ready to fire if needed. Her training kicked in and she scouted the entire living room before she thought about continuing to the next room. She was about to knock down another door when Castle said her name, "Beckett."

Her eyes flicked back towards the writer and then to the couch where his eyes were focused. She felt her heart skip a beat when she saw a familiar pile of clothes in the corner. She noticed the the three piece suit and the collared shirt and jeans. Even their boxers were thrown on the top of Ryan's pale blue button down.

Now that she knew exactly what was behind that door, she wasn't sure if she was as eager to open it. Not because she didn't want to save her boys by any means. But she just didn't want her suspicions to be right. She wanted this to be a dream. A very bad, very horrifying dream.

She shook all those thoughts from her head and kicked through a door for the last time that day. In front of her was a large bed, in Stacy's bedroom, but Stacy wasn't the one in the bed. She was the one holding a gun to her partner's chest. He was the one in the bed. Along with her other partner.

Mama Beckett Bear went into overdrive and she growled, "Get that gun off of him right now or else a bullet will go through your brain."

Stacy laughed, now that she wasn't hiding her true self, it sounded hysterical. "He's the one that asked for it, Nikki."

"Let me guess," Beckett said bitterly, "It was either death or to fuck his partner?"

Stacy's grin grew. "Oh, I got some fun along the way. But, Ochoa and Raley-"

That's when Castle's top blew off. "Listen, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but Raley and Ochoa aren't real. I am a fiction writer. Ryan and Esposito are not your toys and believe me when I tell you this," His eyes darkened and it's only the second time Beckett's seen him like this. The first being when Alexis was kidnapped. "If you kill them, I will leave you wishing you never learned to read." He stepped forward and puffed his chest and shoulders to add more superiority to his already towering height.

Stacy shrugged her shoulders, but the gun remained on Esposito's chest. "Oh, only if I kill them? Well, then I guess you don't mind the little hole I put in Raley's arm." She casted her eyes downward to said arm.

Castle and Beckett both looked down at Ryan's pale and shaking body where the arm on the outside was lying limply on the bed. The mattress underneath his bicep was soaked red, like his skin.

Beckett released the safety on her gun and narrowed her eyes. "Stacy, step away from them and put the gun on the ground. Now."

Stacy scoffed, "Really, Detective? Do you really want to see who's got the faster shot? Who do you really think would win?"

Before Beckett even had the chance to test her theory, Esposito grabbed the gun being held against his chest and ripped it from his captor's hand. He grinned weakly. "Just a tip when you're holding a gun to someone. Don't turn your back on them. Especially if they're ex-military."

Stacy's face paled and her smug grin was wiped off her face. She tried to back away from the gun that was now pointed in between her eyes, but her back knocked directly into Castle's chest. He growled down at her.

"You know how easy it would be?" Esposito said drawing her attention back. "Just to shoot you right now?" Stacy gulped, looking at the barrel of the gun. "But, I'm not going to, you know why?" Stacy was expecting some 'I'm not going to stoop to your level' speech, but was given the opposite. "Because if I kill you, you don't get your punishments. And I want you to suffer, bitch."

Stacy swallowed thickly. "So brave now that have back up, huh?"

Esposito didn't miss a beat. "I could say the same for you."

Beckett took the distraction to her advantage and locked metal cuffs, tight around her wrists before reading her Miranda rights. "Stacy McGuire, you're under arrest for the murder of Theresa Huller, Daniel Santos, and James O'Bergh. As well as the kidnapping, assault, sexual harassment and attempted murder of NYPD Detectives Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito."

Beckett escorted her into the living room where she met up with two out of breath officers she had called on the way to the building. She was glad to get her off her hands and be able to spend her time checking on her partners. "Call a bus, we have two injured NYPD detectives up here." She shoved Stacy into their awaiting arms. "And bring her to the 12th and keep her in holding until I get there. She's mine."

The Officers nodded before taking her away and radioing in that an ambulance was required ASAP at their current address. Beckett turned away from the demolished doorway and went back into the bedroom where Ryan and Esposito were still on the bed. Ryan was lying flat on the bed, all his energy gone; he didn't even spare enough to cover himself up. Esposito was sitting up looking down at his curled fists with hunched shoulders.

"Ryan...Espo...are you guys okay?" Beckett asked hesitantly. She stepped forward and used the butt of her gun to break the lock that was securing the chain against the bed. Esposito looked relieved to see the restriction gone and immediately jumped up.

Beckett wasn't expecting him to get up so quickly, so she jumped a bit herself. She watched him stalk over to the tripod in the corner of the room. His fist connected with the lens a moment later and it collapsed to the ground. "Son of a  _bitch_!" He yelled looking down at it.

Beckett stepped closer and put a hand on his shoulder. "Espo, we'll nail her." She was still trying to control her breathing.

"She confessed. It's on the tape." He huffed and turned around, unlike his partner, he covered his still hard penis from their partners' views. "Along with a ton of other shit." He mumbled looking over at Ryan.

Castle was leaning over the Irishman and Esposito had one last glimpse of his naked body before Castle covered his hips with his jacket. He was still lying on the bed, barely moving. Castle looked up and confirmed his theory. "He's going into shock."

Esposito let out a ragged breath and fell to the floor, leaning against the wall in a slump. He's such an ass. He all but raped his partner. No wonder he was going into shock. "I'm sorry. So sorry, Ryan. Sorry. Kevin," He mumbled into his hands.

Beckett was by her partner's side trying to comfort him. "It's not your fault. You kept him alive. I don't know what happened, but you're both okay. That's all that matters."

He shook his head. "I kissed him, Beckett. I kissed his lips and his chest and was so close...Beckett, I'm a fucking creep.." Memories of his lips against his partner's shaking body kept flashing through his mind up to the point where he thought he was going to throw up. "God," he finally looked up a Beckett and met her eyes; his were dry, but broken. "He was crying and I, I-"

"You stopped, Javier," Beckett finished for him, "I know you stopped the minute you knew he was upset."

"Yeah, but-"

"No, but's. I'm just glad you're okay." She whispered and placed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I'm the one that should be apologizing for taking so long to come get you guys. I thought Madden night leaked into the morning. I knew there was a threat and I should have taken it more seriously."

"S'wasn't your fault, Beckett."

"And none of this is yours." Beckett offered him a hand to lift him to his feet. She saw that his attention was too focused on his partner lying in the bed, she pulled off her own coat and tied it around his waist.

He looked down at his waist, remembering he wasn't fully clothes and lowered his eyes in embarrassment. "Thanks, Beckett," he mumbled.

"Beckett," Castle called from his spot next to Ryan. "You have the keys?"

Beckett had been so wrapped up with Esposito, she momentarily forgot about her other partner. "Shit, of course," she pulled her set of keys from her pocket and returned to Ryan's side. She looked down to see him stare right back up; his eyes never looked more broken.

She leaned over his shivering, naked (besides for Castle's coat) body to release his wrists from the handcuffs. His arms fell onto the mattress, but he didn't move them. Beckett grabbed ahold of his bruised and bloody wrists carefully in her hands and brings them over his chest so he was more comfortable.

Ryan looked down at them and sighed heavily, then down to the bullet wound in his arm and frowned. "M'still bleeding."

Beckett nodded her head and turned to Castle. "There's a bus coming, I want to get them dressed before they get here."

Castle exited the room and returned with their clothes a moment later. Esposito grabbed his shirt from Castle's arms and pulled it on, followed by his underwear and then his pants. He didn't look his partners in the eyes until he was fully dressed again.

Esposito sighed heavily before nodding his head towards Ryan. Castle dropped the remaining articles of clothing in his arms to the bed and leaned over to help pull Ryan into a sitting position. Castle could tell the detective was obviously trying to help, but he was too weak from the pain in his arm and blood loss.

Once he was up enough, making it easier to dress him, Castle looked over at Esposito expecting him to already have the boxer shorts past Ryan's knees. But instead, he saw Esposito staring down at his partner with a mixture of guilt, hurt and was that a sliver of fright in his eyes?

Castle didn't know what they went through that night and morning, but he had a good idea. So he didn't blame Esposito for that haunted look on his face. If Castle wanted to get this done before backup showed though, he'd have to hurry.

Castle grabbed the Irishman's underwear from the pile and gave Ryan a sympathetic frown before carefully pulling them up his legs. Ryan took over when they reached his thighs, but he couldn't do it all by himself so Castle discreetly helped pull it up the rest of the way.

Castle always thought that Ryan looked super snazzy in his three piece suits, but now, as he had to dress the semi conscious detective, he despised them. His pants were hard to pull up while he was laying down.

Castle grunted when he had Ryan's pants button therefore, finishing his bottom half and said to Ryan, "Almost there, buddy." Ryan tried to smile faintly, but all he could give was a grimace. Castle sighed knowingly and patted his good arm.

Castle looked down at Ryan's pale, stuttering chest and then at his blood covered arm. Dressing his upper half didn't seem like the smart thing to do in this situation. It would be easier for the medics to treat Ryan if they didn't have to waste time cutting him out of his suit.

So he grabbed the pale button down and ripped one of the sleeves off (he'd have to remind himself to buy Ryan a new one after this). Ryan barely made a move at the sound of fabric ripping and continued to stare up at the ceiling with his glassy eyes.

"This may hurt a bit, Kevin," Castle warned as he wrapped the torn shirt sleeve just above Ryan's bullet wound. He wrapped it around again and took a quick breath before yanking both ends to tighten it around his arm.

The scream that tore through Ryan's throat would have made the devil himself shed a tear. But, Castle had to keep tightening to stop whatever blood was circulating to his arm from escaping through the bullet wound. Castle pulled again and Ryan screamed, but this time he hiccuped back a sob as he tried to pry Castle's hands away.

Castle cursed under his breath and tried to think of a way to get Ryan's hands away so he could finish. He was just about to call to Beckett when two bloodstained hands gripped Ryan's pale and shaky hands. Castle looked up in surprise to see Esposito kneeling beside the bed and holding Ryan's hands in his. Though he still looked slightly green, he appeared to be out of his previous stupor.

"It's okay, bro. Castle's helping you; you'll be okay," he whispered softly. Castle continued to stare at Esposito, unable to break contact watching how gingerly he held Ryan and how soft his eyes were as they looked into Ryan's.

He must have stared just a second too long because Esposito looked up, breaking the trance and nodded quickly to Ryan's arm. "Go, hurry. While I've got him distracted."

Castle swallowed and quickly got his thoughts back on track. Unfortunately, because of their quick rest, Castle had to retighten the strip of cloth again. He bit his lip and yanked hard, hoping to get it done in quick and harsh bursts rather than to drag it on.

Ryan's throat was growing sore from all his screaming in the past few minutes, so that scream died off in a choked cough. Castle was worried that Ryan  _needed_ to take a break, but Esposito had a close eye on him and he nodded quickly. They were close and he wanted it over with. Castle couldn't even imagine how hard it was for Esposito to hold his partner still while he was put through more pain, no matter if it was to help him.

Castle didn't wait for Ryan to take another breath of air to fuel a scream for his last yank before tying it tightly around his arm. Ryan let out a short gasp of pain, followed by a muted whimper. Castle didn't look at Ryan's face as he tied a thick knot to finally secure the cloth.

Once finished, he returned to his spot next to Ryan on the bed and allowed Esposito to calm his partner, whom was glistening in sweat with each tremor that coursed through his body. Castle took a deep breath and wiped his brow. For not the first time, he thanked his decision to be a writer. He would not work well in the doctor field.

He knew he would not be able to do that again (though if the situation called for it and it was one of his immediate family members involved, he knew he wouldn't refuse). He hoped and prayed that the team would never be in a situation like this, not only for the injured's sake, but more selfishlessly, because Castle couldn't hear screams like that from a loved one again.

They weren't loud, blood curdling screams; they were broken and hoarse and choked out between sobs. But Castle  _knew_ those were the screams that would haunt him even in daylight.

* * *

Once Esposito started dressing himself, Beckett stepped out into the living room to both give her boys some privacy and to catch the medics to show them  _exactly_ where they were needed (though they already knew).

She was busying herself with looking through Stacy's shelves. It looked like she lived a normal life; pictures with friends and little knick knacks that held sentimental value. Even her signed copy of Heat Rises displayed on the middle shelf wouldn't seem weird if you didn't know her background.

She was looking at a picture of her and three other girls all dressed up in what creepily looked to be hers, Castle's, Ryan's and Esposito's attire (Castle called them cosplayers, and by the look of the background, they seemed to be in some sort of convention) when she heard the first scream.

Picture forgotten, she dashed back into the bedroom to see Castle almost straddling Ryan to tie a light blue cloth around his arm. She winced when Castle pulled again and Ryan let out another scream. She was about to go over and hold Ryan's hands for comfort when she saw them wandering, but Esposito beat her to it. She watched as Espo carefully soothed his partner and Beckett felt her heart tighten; she had been so scared that Esposito was going to blame himself for what happened to Ryan and distance himself.

Another pull elicited a more pitiful, broken sound that shattered Beckett's heart. She suddenly felt rage and fury bubbling and burning inside her. Nobody should  _ever_ make her partner-her  _younger brother_ -sound like that.

She curled her fists and her eyes caught sight of the broken tape recorder on the floor. She knew everything that was on that tape, but at the same time, she knew nothing. She wanted to know, but didn't want  _anyone else_ to know (besides for Castle).

She knew they had mere moments until New York's finests bursted through that door; it would be too late to hide the tape then. Stacy knew they had the confession, had her in the act, so she would definitely crumble and give them a formal complaint on paper. The video was not needed to close their case and if it was, then it may show up again. But only if necessary. She knew that if she let CSU file the tape as evidence, it'd be passed around the precinct and  _everyone_ would see what Ryan and Esposito went through and her boys wouldn't be able to deny it.

And a large part of her did want to see what was on that tape, to know what they went through. Castle would definitely want to see it, but not in the usual way he would want his hands on disturbing video evidence for a case. This was a different that was too different to explain.

Casting one glance behind her, she quickly kneeled down and used her gloved hand to pop open the tape recorder and pull out the tape. She dropped it into an evidence bag and sealed it shut before slipping it into her coat pocket. Just as she stood up and dusted off the knees to her dress pants, a handful of medics came rushing through the apartment ready to finally take Ryan and Esposito safe away from this hellhole.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter. Please leave reviews if you liked it, they make me incredibly happy!
> 
> Until next time,


	7. Chapter 7

"He'll be okay, Kate. Espo said the second he learns anything, he'll let us know." Castle assured Beckett as they exited the elevator into the bullpen.

"I know, but still. I feel kinda bad just leaving him in there," Beckett said as they passed by their desks to head straight towards investigations. Beckett called on the drive over to make sure that Stacy was waiting for them when they arrived.

"Ryan's still in surgery so we can't do much at the hospital other than worry." Castle rubbed her arm to sooth her last minute worries.

"What if...what if Esposito does something stupid? Like Ryan wakes up and they don't let Espo in and he threatens a doctor." She stopped just outside the door to Interrogation One.

Castle weighed the possibility in his head. It was very likely that  _could_ happen, but telling Beckett so would not help. "Esposito's a big boy. He'll have to learn how to control himself."

"Castle, this isn't a joke."

"I'm not joking. Listen, if I was worried at all I would have stayed behind with Espo and let you handle this alone. But I'm not worried at all." Castle kissed her temple.

Beckett smiled softly. "You're never worried. Your glass is always half full."

"Better than half full, don't ya' think?"

"Yeah, but right now I'm positive our glass is just about empty," Beckett said, her voice now somber.

Castle sighed and hated that he could think of nothing to say to convince her otherwise. Sure, in just a few minutes, Stacy would be carted away to prison where she'd never hurt anyone ever again. But they still had to clean up her mess; pick up all the broken pieces she left behind and mend them back together. "One step at a time."

The uncertainty on Beckett's face was wiped away and replaced with sheer determination. "Let's start with putting her away. While I wish 6 feet under was an option, behind bars until she's dead will have to do."

Castle smiled. "That's my girl. Go get her."

Beckett rolled her shoulders and shoved open the door forcefully. She kept her head high as she sauntered to the seat across from Stacy. Castle followed just behind her, but knew he looked nowhere near as intimidating.

"Stacy McGuire," Beckett practically spat her name.

"Detective Beckett, how are you?" Stacy smiled widely back, mocking her silently but at the same time screaming her victory.

"Did you think you were going to get away with it? That we wouldn't find them?" Beckett ignored Stacy's feigned attempt at small talk.

"Hmm," Stacy brought her handcuffed hands up to her face to tap her chin. "But it seems as I've already gotten away with it, though."

Beckett leaned in closer, enhancing her threatening aura. Castle didn't even think it was possible, but when it came to her family she never felt threatening enough. " _It seems_  that you've underestimated my team,  _my family_. We're going to walk away from this fine.  _They're_ going to walk away from this fine. Your little game is over and you lost."

Stacy laughed as if she was carefree and not about to charged to life in prison without parole. "From where I was standing not so long ago, it looked like I indeed won, Detective. I mean, Raley was begging him and if you had showed up maybe a bit later it would have been-"

"It would been even more charges added to your growing list." Beckett quickly cut her off, neither wanting to hear any of her deranged fantasies. "We have your confession on tape, all we need is your formal confession."

Stacy's eyes lit up and she smirked. "Ooh, so you've watched the tape? Please, tell me how you liked it."

Castle felt his stomach clench at the mention of the tape. He had been so busy with making sure Ryan's wound was taken care of that he didn't grab the tape; he didn't even think of the tape. But Beckett brought it up, so hopefully she snatched it. Castle had a pretty good feeling of what was on that and he didn't want it anyone else's hands for the sake of his friends.

"Murder," Beckett said bringing them back on topic. "You confessed to three. And we have you in the midst of attempted murder and sexual assault of two NYPD Detectives." Beckett looked down at her notes. Castle could tell she was doing her best to ignore Stacy's taunts. She was trying hard to forget how they found their partners.

"You want me to write it all down? Can I skim over the first three? Because I'd much rather go into great detail about Roach. How Raley squirmed underneath begging for Ochoa to fuck him. You've obviously seen Ochoa and...his size, there's no way Raley would have been able to keep quiet. You ruined a really good show."

Never once in Castle's entire life had he ever wanted to hit a girl. Not the critic that bashed one of his first novels. Not the girl that had befriended Alexis just to try and steal her boyfriend. Not even Gina when she chose to go travel LA instead of stay and care for their daughter. Did he put them in fictional scenarios in his head where they end up killed by a latest villain from his books? Naturally. But he had never actually wanted to cause harm to a woman until now.

As Stacy sat across from them smugly bragging about what could have been, Castle wanted nothing more than beat her until she was unconscious. Kinda like he did to Lockwood after he was tortured Ryan and Esposito.

He gritted his teeth and squeezed his hands into fists underneath the table to keep her from getting the satisfaction of getting a rise out of him. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer, but Beckett thankfully solved his problem.

She shoved her chair so she could stand up; she did so with so much force that it clattered to the ground. "Watch your mouth! Those are my partners and I'll be damned if I let a sleazebag like you talk about them like that."

"I am only stating facts, Detective. Isn't that what you wanted? The truth?" Stacy acted shocked that Beckett was yelling at her, but Castle could still see the smirk lingering.

Beckett towered over her with a glare so fierce it could kill. "No. What  _I want_ is for you to rot in Hell.  _I want_ you to suffer."

"Maybe one day your wish will come true, but right now I think it's you who's suffering." Stacy shot back without hesitation. She bravely held Beckett's eye contact without backing down. She was good, but she wasn't Beckett.

Beckett didn't blink as she started to talk in a hushed, but just as menacing tone. "You aren't the first psychopath that I've put away. You also aren't the first person who's died after hurting my family. Those people that I've put in prison? Some of them, as you'd expect, hate me, but there are others who were never grateful for anything in their life than me. So don't think you're safe in that cell. Don't think that I can't get you in that cell." It was Beckett's turn to smirk as Stacy's tough facade started to fade. "You better keep your eyes open in there because I promise you there are people who will have no problem taking care of you. And the best part is, no one would even miss a bastard like you."

Castle smiled proudly when he noticed that Stacy's left eye twitched. Her eyes flickered from Beckett to him. He was a writer so he felt the need to expand on their their threat just a bit. "The last guy we put away for trying to hurt us is  _gone_  and we're still  _here_. I think you know how your story ends." Of course she didn't need to know that Lockwood had escaped and managed to kill Montgomery before he was finally killed.

Beckett tossed her notepad on the table in front of Stacy before turning around. "C'mon, Castle, let's give her some time to write up her confession."

Castle reminded himself to tell Beckett how Stacy flinched as the pad hit the table with a soft thud. He knew Beckett could break her. Nobody messed with their family and walked away to tell the tale. Well, technically they did, but they definitely didn't go around bragging.

He nodded and stared her down for one last moment before he stood up and followed Beckett out into the Bullpen. They walked straight to the observation box and watched through the one-way glass as Stacy hesitantly picked up her pencil. She wasn't as eager to write as she was earlier, and Castle couldn't help but smirk at that.

"It's nice to see her quaking in her boots for a change," Beckett said softly.

Castle nodded his head and didn't offer much to say. He agreed that it was nice to see her speechless and lost after what she put Ryan and Esposito through, but he still couldn't help feeling just the slightest bit curious.

Why was she so intent on all of this? Why did she pretend to be against the LGBTQ+ community? Why did she choose Theresa Huller, Daniel Santos and James O'Bergh to be her victims? What was her fascination with Roach?

Out of all the thoughts running around in his head, all he could get out to Beckett was, "Why?"

Beckett remained silent for a slight moment before sighing heavily. "I don't know, Castle. But we've got her now and if you go in asking questions...she'll think she won. It's better to wonder than to give her the satisfaction of knowing she stumped us."

"I understand," Castle muttered. And he did, but that didn't mean he was happy not knowing. It was something he'd have to come to deal with. Maybe she'd write it in her confession.

She had really confessed on the tape, but unknowingly to her, Caste and Beckett hadn't watched it. By the way Stacy was talking about it he wasn't sure if he did want to watch it. But the curious part of him wanted to know; he wanted to know what Esposito and Ryan endured through.

"Did you take it?" Castle asked quietly, knowing that Beckett knew exactly what he was referring to.

She turned her head downwards and her eyes drifted to stare at Castle through her hair that was falling on her shoulder. "Yes." She patted her pocket softly.

"Do you...do you think we should watch it…?" He asked hesitantly, wondering himself if the question was stupid to ask out loud.

Beckett looked down at her coat pocket briefly and then back up at Castle. "If we know what they went through maybe we can help more." Castle had to admit that that was a plus, but what if they were wrong?

"There could also be more stuff on the tape...maybe something that would answer our questions." Castle offered and he couldn't help but feel maybe they were just making up excuses. Beckett didn't say anything else, but Castle had an idea of what she was thinking. "What do we do about the boys?"

"I don't...we should watch it when they're not around obviously. And we only tell them if it's absolutely necessary." Beckett said slowly as she probably debated the pros and cons of their situation in her head.

"Okay." Castle nodded his head and repeated. "Okay, yeah, that sounds good to me."

Beckett turned fully to face him. "Then we-" She was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone.

"Esposito," Castle barely managed to get out before Beckett already answered it.

"Javi? What's wrong?" Beckett grew quiet as she listened to Esposito's response. She nodded and said, "We'll be right there." before hanging up.

Castle looked at her expectantly as she put her phone back in her pocket. She caught his gaze and smiled softly.

"Ryan's out of surgery."

* * *

Esposito hesitantly entered the hospital room where his partner laid, sleeping off the medication the doctors gave him before the surgery. He hadn't seen him since he was on top of him on that bed. Esposito shivered at the memory.

He chased the images of what they went through in that hellhole away from his mind. He thought about Ryan before this mess. The Ryan that answered his phone at 6 in the morning and barely grunted his responses, but only a half hour he smile was a mile wide when he showed up in the precinct. That point during their late night shifts when Ryan undid his top button and let himself sag in his chair. The giggling that started when he was only a few beers in. His smile and laugh. God, it already felt like years since he'd seen his partner smile.

He missed it.

Esposito took a deep breath and sat on the seat next to Ryan. He called Beckett just before the nurse directed him towards Ryan's room, so he didn't have much time alone. Reassuring himself that Ryan was unconscious and would not know of anything that happened in here, Espo grabbed his partner's hand.

"Kevin," his voice sounded rough and lost in the sterile room. "I don't know if you're going to even want to talk me when you wake up, let alone be in the same room. But, I'll be gone by then." He paused, subconsciously waiting for Ryan to wake up and declare everything Espo just said bullshit. But he didn't. So Esposito continued. "I'm sorry. I just want you to know that what happened- _what I did to you-_ I shouldn't have. Never in a million years."

His stomach churned violently. "I wasn't able to get you out of there and believe me, I would have done anything to keep you safe." Memories of him placing his lips on Ryan's shaking body, but he couldn't remember much clearly without hating himself all that much more. "I wasn't myself...you know I would never do any of that to you in normal circumstances."

Most of Esposito knew it wasn't his fault and yet, he still wanted to run away from his partner. Espo wanted to get away before he had to look into those blue eyes and relive the torture of seeing the pain and humiliation that was drowning them while Ryan was cuffed to the bed at the mercy of his partner.

And he wanted to escape the confusion and feelings. Those were harder to hide from. How were they supposed to go back to pretending like this case never happened when they both  _knew_ what happened. How was Esposito supposed to tell Ryan how he  _felt_ without seeming like an ass. Maybe Ryan thought that Espo just got off on roughing Ryan up, making him cry and beg. Ryan would never feel safe with him again.

Esposito held Ryan's hand tighter in his as he squeezed his eyes shut. Just the thought of Ryan flinching whenever Esposito made too sudden of a movement or even being too close burned his eyes with unshed tears.

Esposito wasn't the man to cry. He got pretty damn close a few times, but never actually did tears fall. Not since elementary school. But as he spoke, the tears refused to stop flowing and his voice was no longer steady and strong. "Kevin, never again.  _Never again_ will I hurt you. You are the most important person in my life and I'd rather die," Esposito had to pause to take in a shaky breath. "I'd rather die than  _ever_ have you crying in my arms again. You are my everything and I'm not staying away to hurt you. I'm staying away because I can't hurt you  _again_. I love you too much, Kevin Ryan."

Those words even surprised Esposito himself. He didn't throw that word around lightly, 'love'. He never really believed in it much; people leave, promises break and feelings change. Kevin was the one to change Esposito's entire opinion on the thought. His partner taught him that love  _is_ real and the best kind is found in the most unlikely of places.

"I love you," Esposito repeated. This time he leaned in close and whispered it. He didn't want anyone to hear it. Those three words were private and only Ryan should ever hear them out of his mouth.

Esposito stared at Ryan's face, watching intently as his eyes flickered around underneath his closed lids. He wanted Ryan to wake up right now and stop him from leaving. He needed Ryan to tell every part of Esposito's body that believed walking away was the good thing to do that they were wrong.

But he stayed sleeping and the grip in his hand remained lax. Here would be where Esposito would stand up and leave a small kiss to Ryan's forehead in any cliche movie, but he couldn't. It would hurt too much. So with one last squeeze to Ryan's hand, he let it drop back to the bed and he slowly left the room taking all of his hurt and confusion and feelings with him.

* * *

The shrill, mocking laughter pierced through Ryan's ears. He knew who that laughter belonged to. Chills ran through his body when he realized he was strapped down to the bed once again. He thought... _he could have sworn_ that Castle and Beckett saved them. They were safe. What happened?

Ryan opened his eyes and hoped maybe it was all just a dream, but he looked around and recognized Stacy's apartment. He started to squirm and flopped his head back and forth muttering, "No, no, no, no."

He was back in that hell, handcuffed naked to a psychopath's bed. The room seemed darker and hazier than the first time, but he could clearly see Stacy standing at the foot of the bed with a grin that stretched from ear to ear. "Don't be so negative, Raley. The fun has only begun."

Ryan's heart began to race when she came close enough to place her hand on his arm. Instinctively, he turned to his partner for comfort; Javier was always the best at that. But then his heart stopped when he curled towards a cold, empty side of the bed. His wide eyes darted around the room searching for any signs of his partner.

Stacy's voice caught his attention, "Oh, you're looking for your partner? He's gone. He had his fun with you and decided to move on." She shrugged her shoulders.

Once she mentioned it, instantly, Ryan's body felt sore. But it had to be a mind game, right? Because only a moment ago he felt fine. And there was no way his partner would abandon him if he had a choice in the matter. And he wouldn't use him and throw him away without a second thought.

Looking back up at her, Ryan was determined to deny it all and scream at her, but her roaming eyes made him halt. Her scrutiny made him uncomfortable and he felt dirty. He didn't want her to make him feel so inferior. "You're a liar."

Stacy's eyes flickered up to Ryan's face. "What makes you say that?"

" _Kevin...I'm sorry."_

Ryan looked away from her to try and find the source of his partner's voice. It sounded too real to be imagined, but it was just out of his reach. Though it was faint and Ryan wasn't even sure he wasn't imagining it, it gave Ryan the hope and courage he needed to fight through this. Again. "He's my partner."

Stacy scuffed. "After what he did to you?"

" _I would have done anything to keep you safe."_

Ryan felt his spirits rise a bit more each time he heard his partner's voice breaking through the nightmare. "He's my partner. He didn't do anything to hurt me. Even if he did, I'd forgive him without a second thought."

Once those words came out of his mouth, he felt a sudden comfort presence besides him. He no longer felt alone. He turned around and saw he was still alone, but he didn't feel like he was. There was a warm pressure around his hand and it enclosed around his fingers like a hand in his. "Javi," Ryan murmured when he realized, somewhere, his partner was holding his hand. That hand felt like his savior; if he could hold on then maybe it would drag him far away from here and into Javier's arms.

"He  _abandoned_ you," Stacy spat. Her eyes narrowed and she grew more and more scarier as Ryan began to understand that this was all just created by the dark patch of his subconscious for a mind-terror.

The invisible grip on Ryan's hand tightened and Ryan smiled bravely. "No. He's here. And he didn't hurt me."

" _You are the most important person in my life."_

"You're mine now, Raley!" Stacy roared, slapping Ryan across the face.

Ryan was too hooked on his partner to feel the pain that really didn't exist. "No. I'm  _his_ partner. I will never be yours."

Stacy calmed down enough so she wasn't screaming. "What happens when you go back to him and he's gone, huh? Who will you run to then? Who will protect you?"

"He wouldn't-" His partner's voice interrupted him. Now he sounded much more ragged and broken.

" _I'm staying away because I can't hurt you again."_

Ryan was confused now. If he was so important why was Espo leaving him? And to keep him safe? Didn't Esposito know that he was safer with him by his side? Ryan could already feel the comforting presence on his hand disappearing. He desperately tried to grab back for it, but his fingers refused to move.

"What's matter? I thought you said he'd never leave you?" Stacy must have caught on to Ryan's rising panic.

"He's not going to," Ryan said, though he was not as hopeful as earlier.

" _I'll be gone by then."_

"He's not going to leave me!" Ryan yelled, not at Stacy, but at that voice.  _He had to reach his partner before he left._

Stacy smirked. "It sure doesn't sound it." She laughed again; it was such a horrendous sound. "Time to face the music, Raley. You're here to stay, lost forever."

"No, no, no," Ryan started muttering again. He didn't want to hear her voice and definitely didn't want to hear Javier saying goodbye. He's muttering steadily grew louder, so much that he almost missed Javier's last whisper.

" _I love you, Kevin Ryan."_

This time, the voice was so close that Ryan felt as if he could reach out and touch his partner. "Did you hear that?" Ryan breathed, looking up at the ceiling. "He  _loves_ me. He wouldn't leave me.  _He loves me_." He finally smiled for what felt like for the first time in ages.

Stacy didn't look angry; she looked calm. It frightened Ryan, but not enough to stop him from breaking through to Esposito. "You'll be back. When you realize that he's gone, you'll fall right back to me."

Ryan didn't pay much attention to her. He continued to mumble, "He loves me," under his breath like it was his dying wish.

Stacy started to fade and Ryan could feel it working;  _he was finally waking up_. Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and whispered one last time, "I love you, too, Javi."

The next time he opened his eyes, he could barely keep them open. His body was still exhausted and his eyes burned at both the light and being opened. But he fought to keep them open long enough to see Esposito.

His eyes slowly moved around the room, but it was empty. His heart plummeted into his stomach when he realized that Javier had left. The bedspread by his hand was still faintly warm and there was a chair directly beside his bed, but his partner was nowhere in sight.

Without Javier there to make him feel safe, Kevin couldn't keep his eyes open much longer. They burned and his body begged to go back to sleep. He knew it was all just a nightmare and he could steer clear from Stacy haunting his mind if he really tried. But as he drifted back to sleep without Javier by his side, Ryan couldn't help as he fell back to unconsciousness where his most haunting fears lived.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Javi really frustrated me in this chapter as I was writing. I'm sorry if you felt the same, but I could wrap it up easy once they're saved. nope
> 
> It's that time of year again, guys! The Rysposito Secret Santa Fic Exchange sign ups are open from now until October 25. And this year, it's not only writers who can participate. If you ship Rysposito and want your own fic to read based off a prompt of your choosing then you should join. You also do not need a tumblr account to join. And I'm guessing since you're reading this you ship RYsposito so all of you could sign up and get your own fic without needing to write one, unless you want to. Here is the post where you can read the rules and learn how to sign. I hope some of you join!
> 
> [The Secret Santa Fic Exchange post](http://detective-rysposito.tumblr.com/post/128802780617/welcome-to-the-2nd-annual-rysposito-secret-santa)
> 
> Until next time,


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan blinked his eyes slowly back into consciousness. He was grateful that was no longer surrounded by disembodied voices and darkness, but unfortunately being awake brought back the pain in his arm.

Ignoring the pain as best he could with some help from the painkillers probably running through his system, he tried to identify the blurry shadows standing before his bed. He groaned and blinked his eyes shut, hoping to regain full use of his eyes quickly.

Castle let himself be known before Ryan reopened his eyes. He heard a sharp gasp followed by, "Beckett, I think he's finally coming around."

This time when he opened his eyes, the two people leaning over his bed were much more recognizable. Beckett started to ask how he was feeling, if he needed the nurses, etcetera, but Ryan hardly heard a word. He was too busy searching for the one person he needed most right now. But his partner was nowhere to be seen in the room.

Trying to remember what happened before he was in here, was like trying to steer a boat through thick fog at night. He wasn't clear on anything at the moment, except that he wanted Javier by his side.

"Kevin?" Beckett's voice broke through Ryan's now rising panic thoughts. "Kev, do you...do you remember what happened? Why you're here?" She bit her lip and spoke slowly, as if she was scared of the answer. And if Ryan was being honest, it made him a little nervous too.

Returning to her question, he thought hard. It was challenging and confusing, putting all the pieces together, but he was determined to do so. "Um, the crime scene with the uh...look-alikes…" He steered clear of using him and Esposito's names together in reference to that. "And then someone called me-Stacy," he said, remembering quickly. "She was asking for help, but she was lying. It was a trap." He looked to Castle and Beckett and reported as if they didn't already know. After all, why else would he be stuck in here with a bullet hole in his arm? The memories started crashing one after another, hardly giving each other time for Ryan time to take them all in. But it was enough.

Castle and Beckett gave him matching, sympathetic frowns when they realize that Ryan remembered. "You've been out for not too long. You only came back from surgery a few hours ago."

Ryan's head dropped back to his stiff pillow and he wished over and over that this was all just a dream. It all felt like a nightmare, if it wasn't for waking up in the hospital. No wonder Esposito was staying away. He couldn't say he would have done the same, but he couldn't blame him either.

"Where is he?" Ryan asked, his eyes focused on a small crack in the ceiling tile. It's easier to focus on something so small and insignificant, rather than something as huge as the most important person in his life avoiding him.

Ryan could _feel_ their pity, practically suffocating in the room. Castle was the first to speak, "Espo?"

" _Yes_ , Esposito. My partner. The man who will never speak to me again because of _what happened_." Ryan hoped that Castle didn't take his hostile attitude personally. He wasn't upset at him. He wasn't upset at Javi, either. He was upset with Stacy, the woman that ruined their lives.

Castle didn't let Ryan's curt response put him off. "He was here earlier...while we took care of Stacy. She's never seeing day again, Ry, don't worry."

Ryan chuckled bitterly. "It doesn't really matter does it? There's no bringing back the people she killed." He felt hot tears start to burn his eyes. "And my best friend is gone, which if you ask me is _worse than dying_."

"He's not abandoning you, Kevin," Beckett said softly. She fidgeted in her spot next to the bed; she looked like she wanted to reach out to Ryan, but stopped herself before she did. Great, he wasn't even awake for a full half hour and his team was already treating him differently.

"Then why isn't he here?" Before they could even respond, Ryan quickly said, "Oh, that's right because he never wants to see my face again. Because I'm disgusting and everytime he looks at me, he'll only be reminded about what happened. So he's right. It's probably better if we never see each other again."

"Kevin, you're not disgusting-"

"You guys can leave." Ryan turned his head to stare back up at the ceiling.

Castle sounded surprised. "Ryan, we can help you. Don't just push us away."

Ryan hated when he felt himself flinch as Castle put a comforting hand on his leg. His voice was strained as he repeated, "Please leave."

"Esposito will be back soon and we'll figure all of this out." Beckett said, trying but failing to keep Ryan calm.

"There's nothing to talk about!" He snapped. "Just get out."

"Kevin-"

"I said to get out!" Ryan shouted, squeezing his eyes shut. He kept them closed until he heard two sets of feet shuffle towards the door.

Castle paused in the doorway just before leaving and said, "We're just a call away, Kevin." And then they were gone.

Ryan stared at the empty doorway and the empty room once they were gone. Now he was all alone. As much as he hated being alone, he knew it was better that way. He didn't want Beckett and Castle here pitying him, giving him those looks and not touching him in fear they might _break_ him.

He was strong. Stacy didn't break him. He just needed time to adjust. It was going to be a whole hell of a lot harder without Esposito by his side, but he'd have to manage. That's how things were going to be from now on.

* * *

"I know he asked us to leave...but don't you think we should stay? You heard him in there. He's trying to act like he has everything under control, but we both know he's barely holding on." Castle turned back to stare at Ryan's hospital room as they continued to walk down the hall.

"We need to give him a few hours. Let him clear his mind. He's probably still trying to get over the fact that Esposito isn't sitting by his side right now." Beckett didn't look back. She knew if she did, she'd go running back through that doorway into Ryan's arms and she wouldn't let him go.

"Where is that bozo? Did he think it would be a good idea to just leave Ryan alone? The second Ryan woke up, he was looking for Espo." Castle was annoyed at the Hispanic detective.

"Castle," Beckett said, pausing her steps. "We don't know what went on in that room. They were like that all night long. Javi's probably blaming himself and doesn't want to look Ryan in the eye after whatever happened. He'll come to his senses." She continued walking and Castle sped up after her.

"What if he doesn't? What if it's so bad he just keeps avoiding Ryan and eventually they just grow apart. I know if Ryan loses Espo, then we're all gonna lose Ryan." Castle was more than worried over all this. He didn't want their little family to fall apart.

"He will."

"And if he doesn't?"

"I'll kick his ass," Beckett said simply.

Once they were out of the hospital and in the car, Beckett found herself driving over to her apartment rather than Castle's loft. When she pulled up in front of her apartment building, she explained, "Martha and Alexis are home and I think it's better if just us watch it."

"The tape."

"Yeah," Beckett said as she shut off the car and stepped out. Castle followed behind her silently as they walked through the lobby and entered the elevator to get to her floor. Neither said a word until they were inside her apartment and the door was shut.

Beckett walked over to her small television set and kneeled down to start setting up the VHS player. "Didn't know anyone still had one of those," Castle commented idly.

"All of the old home videos of my mom and us are on VHS tapes." She said as she slipped the tape into the video player. She stared at the tv as the screen came to life. It was just a black screen for the first few seconds, so Beckett used that time to take a seat on her couch next to Castle. They both exchanged a look just as Stacy came on the screen.

" _C'mon, Leslie, we're gonna be late if you don't hurry." Stacy said as she looked into the lens, checking to see if the recorder was working._

" _I'm coming! Sheesh. Get a taxi and I'll be right out." Leslie's voice came from somewhere else in the apartment._

_Stacy started walking towards the door and soon she was walking down the hall to the elevator. Stacy had the video feed still focused on her, but she kept her eyes in front of her as she spoke. "Leslie and I are on our way to a Nikki Heat convention." She flicked her eyes down quickly before looking back up. "We're pretty excited. Richard Castle is going to be signing books while we're there. Maybe we'll meet other Roach fans...though I doubt it. They're mostly into Heat and Rook fans."_

_She shrugged her shoulders as she entered the elevator and could now concentrate on the video instead of where she was walking. "I brought my book for him to sign and I'm gonna see if we can get any news on Raley or Ochoa. Usually it's all on Heat, but I think we'll get some more news today." She paused to step out of the elevator. "Even if I don't get anything new, I'm still going to meet Richard Castle!"_

The screen went black as it transitioned into another scene. Castle held Beckett's hand in his and pulled her closer, knowing it could and probably would get worse.

" _Hey, Stace, there's some Raley and Ochoa stuff over there." Leslie pointed towards a small table in the middle of the large room, filled with other vendors._

" _Then what are we doing over here?" Stacy asked, sounding like she had a large smile on her face._

_When they reached the table, Stacy panned the camera over the table top of some t-shirts. "Don't get me wrong- this is awesome, but I would have liked to see more Roach." She sighed._

" _I'll take what we can get," Leslie said, already picking up a t-shirt._

" _Good, because this is all you're ever going to get." Came a snotty voice off-screen._

_Stacy whirled around and caught the young woman on tape. She had her arms crossed over her chest and she looked down on Stacy and Leslie like they were nothing. "What's your issue?"_

" _Oh, nothing." The girl shrugged her shoulders. "Just wondering how people like you are still even allowed to read Richard Castle's books."_

"It's like you're their god or something," Beckett mumbled.

"I know."

" _We have every right to read them. Just like you." Leslie shot back._

" _How could you even think to disgrace Mr. Castle's writing like this? Newsflash: Ochoa had a wife!" She wrinkled her nose._

" _I wouldn't expect you to know this, but there are things like bisexuality, pansexuality-"_

" _Yeah, okay, whatever. I just came over here to tell you not to try and ask him about Roach during the panel. There are more important things." And with that she turned around and walked away with her nose stuck up in the air._

_Stacy growled and Leslie quickly grabbed her arm. "Don't, Stace. Just let her go, it's not worth it."_

" _Bitch." Stacy muttered before slamming the lens cover on and shutting off the tape._

There was another fuzzy screen as Castle and Beckett waited for the next tape to start. "So the crazy-fan gets wronged by the bitchy-fan and then everything goes to hell…you attract the best of readers, Rick."

"Hey, don't forget you read all my books long before I was your ruggedly handsome boyfriend."

The video feed came back on and ate all of the lightheartedness in the room.

" _Stace, what you doing? Looking up that crap is only going to make it worse."_

_Stacy had the camera angled to film her laptop screen as she searched through different blogs and fansites. "Can you believe they'd make this into a group? They say we disgrace Richard Castle when they're the one promising to stop reading if he ever makes Roach canon."_

" _They're assholes. Just ignore them; don't let them ruin the fun for you." Leslie sighed._

" _They already have over three-hundred signatures!" Stacy scoffed, ignoring her friend. "The girl that leads all this is a Theresa Huller. Where have I heard that name before…?"_

_Even though Leslie knew she wasn't being asked, she still provided an answer. "Theresa Huller, she's big online for a lot of those gay shaming organizations. Started lots of protests and stuff."_

" _Right," Stacy said. "How could I forget a bitch like her?" Stacy was quiet for a few moments as she looked through different articles. "You know what, Les, I think I have an idea."_

" _For what?" Leslie definitely sounded lost._

" _How to get back at these people, but even better, get Roach canon."_

The screen went black but it turns on again quickly. Instead of seeing Stacy or her friend, Castle and Beckett were surprised to see two very familiar faces. "What the hell," Beckett breathed as she sat up straighter.

" _Shh, Leslie, they'll hear us," Stacy whispered as they followed behind Ryan and Esposito just as they exited the 12th._

" _How the hell did you know they'd be here?" Leslie whispered back._

" _I told you. Everyday at 3, they go out for a hot dog from that vendor on 5th and 84th." Stacy said as she quickened her pace to follow the boys. Her camera was now at waist height, but tilted up to still discretely catch Ryan and Esposito on film._

" _That's borderline creepy."_

"Borderline?" Castle scoffed.

" _Shhh!" Stacy said as they were only a few feet behind them._

_They could just barely hear the conversation._

" _...still on for tonight?"_

" _Of course. And I picked up a new controller so you can't cheat."_

" _Seriously, bro? I'm not cheating if your button gets stuck."_

" _You know I can kick your ass now."_

" _Keep dreaming, Kev." Esposito shoved Ryan playfully just as they started to cross the street where the hot dog vendor was stationed._

" _Can we please go home?" Leslie pleaded. "This makes me uncomfortable. Why are we even spying on them? They're not Roach."_

" _Of course they are!" Stacy sounded insulted. "They're Roach's inspirations."_

" _Stacy, why don't you just go talk to them and stop stalking them? I don't understand what any of this is for. Especially carrying that camera around with you everywhere."_

" _My blog, Leslie. People are going to want to see_ how _I got Roach together," Stacy said. "And don't worry, I edit all the useless crap out as we go."_

" _You're crazy," Leslie said and Stacy laughed. But Leslie's voice wasn't joking._

" _Look they stopped. Once they finish up, we'll head back, okay?"_

" _What? You want to record them eating?"_

" _I just like to see their relationship and how it works, you know? What they do and what they talk about when no one's looking." Stacy stopped walking when they reached a streetside bus stop they could hide behind. "It fuels my Roach juices."_

" _That's disgusting."_

" _Shhh!"_

" _-usual, detectives?"_

_Ryan grinned. "You got it, Jimmy."_

_The vendor, Jimmy grinned and handed over two pre-made hot dogs: one was covered in sauerkraut and the other in ketchup. Each detective took their own with a "thanks". Esposito made a face at Kevin as he bit into his hot dog._

" _The only people other than you that still put ketchup on hot dogs are five-year olds."_

" _Shut up and eat your sauerkraut," Ryan teased back._

" _They're so cute," Stacy almost-squealed._

" _Okay, you watched them eat, creepo. Can we go now?"_

" _Fine." Stacy said in a rushed whisper just before she ended the video._

"This is getting really weird…"

"Just wait." Beckett shivered. "It'll get worse."

" _Please tell me you're joking right now." Leslie's frightened voice filtered through the speaker._

Castle and Beckett could only see a dark wall, so they figured the camera was left on the table as Leslie and Stacy had a heated argument.

" _You know they deserve this."_

" _No. They don't. You can't force people to get together, Stacy! Those detectives are not their Nikki Heat counterparts. And whatever you're planning to do to Huller and her group-_ don't." _Leslie was done putting up with Stacy's crap._

" _You're wrong!"_

" _No, Stacy! You are! Everything about this is_ wrong _and if this is how you wanna continue, then fine, but I'm out." She said with a final yell before stomping feet filled the air and were silenced by the slamming of a door._

Castle and Beckett realized that was when it all spiraled downwards. Stacy completely lost it- she followed the boys around more closely and became more obsessed with their every word and movement. Sometimes it was the four sharing a drink at The Old Haunt where Ryan and Esposito sat closer to each other than needed, sometimes it was when they were eating dinner at a local restaurant.

She also furthered her plan to get back at Teresa Huller. The two had never met before, so Stacy sent an email to her, pretending to interested in joining her group. Soon her, Theresa and Daniel Nash were the best of friends. Stacy continued to stalk Ryan and Esposito for what Castle and Beckett realized for months before the tape turned on into her staring directly into the lens with a haunted look in her eyes.

" _This is it. Months of preparing and finally, they'll pay. Everyone who ever doubted me will pay."_

The screen went black until she came back on the screen, looking tired and half insane. Beckett and Castle knew what was coming.

" _I haven't updated in a few weeks, but I've gotten almost everything done. It didn't, it didn't work, but this will. Trust me." She ran away from the camera, exposing the barren bed behind her. There was a muffled dragging sound long before she came into the room. It took her a moment or so until she dragged Esposito in through her doorway by his feet._

_She was muttering under her breath as she lifted him up with the bed with much needed effort. When he was finally flopped on the bed, she breathed a sigh of relief. Then went back to get Ryan. He was easier to drag and lift, being smaller than his partner._

_She started on Ryan first since he was closer and began to unbutton his suit jacket followed by his waist coat and finally his button down. "Sheesh, how many layers do you need?" She tossed his clothes on the floor and then finished stripping him down until he wasn't wearing a single piece of clothing. She then handcuffed his wrists to the headboard before stripping down Esposito and cuffing his ankle to the bottom of the bed._

_She stood back and stared for a few minutes before finally walking away from the unconscious detectives._

Beckett fast forwarded for a few minutes as they tape recorded the room, but nothing happening as the night passed on. She stopped it when she noticed Esposito started to move.

They watched him shoot up and immediately search for his partner. Then he searched for his pulse and the relief in his face was evident. That's when it all went wrong- when Stacy came into view and woke Ryan up.

Castle felt nauseous every time Stacy called Ryan and Esposito "Ochoa" and "Raley". When she started to read the fanfiction, he was seconds from throwing up everything he ingested in the past week.

He couldn't even imagine himself in one of their shoes, especially Esposito's. If Espo were him and Ryan were Beckett, Castle wasn't sure what he'd do. He want to keep her safe, but from who? The pyscho with the gun or from himself?

As they watched Esposito kiss Ryan's lips and then later his chest, they could see why he would be avoiding his partner. Ryan was trembling above him and even Beckett and Castle could hear his sniffles.

Beckett commended Esposito for getting back up and refusing to continue, therefore angering her enough to unintentionally blurt out her confession to three murders. But it wasn't over. Ryan and Esposito did their jobs; they got a confession and they were holding on. It was her and Castle that took so long to get there.

She felt the first tear fall when Stacy screamed at Ryan to beg for his partner and in a low and broken sob-filled voice, he did. He was going through all of that because she couldn't find them sooner.

"Castle-," she said softly, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Both Castle and Beckett went still and Beckett paused the video, hoping whoever it was went away. There was another knock.

"Yo, Beckett, I know you two are in there." Esposito's voice came from the other side.

"Shit," Beckett cursed under her breath as she jumped up from Castle's arms. She wiped the tears from her eyes and hoped she didn't smudge her make-up. "Castle, the tape."

Castle was already one step ahead of her and pulled the tape from the tv and looked around for a place to hide it. He looked desperately at Beckett, but she only shrugged her shoulders as she rushed towards the door. Castle hesitated, looking around the room once more before shoving the tape down the front of his pants just as Beckett opened the door and Esposito walked through.

"Hey, Espo, what're you doing here?" Beckett said, trying to keep her voice steady, like she wasn't just watching the worst moment of Esposito's life on tape.

"And how'd you find us?" Castle asked, coming up to his girlfriend's side.

"Called the loft and your mom picked up, she said you weren't home. And I guessed this would be the other place you'd be hiding."

"We're not _hiding_." Castle rolled his eyes.

Before Esposito could go back at the writer, Beckett interrupted them, "Did you need something? You wanna talk-?"

"No!" Esposito snapped quickly. He saw the pity filled faces staring back at him and he cleared his throat. "I just wanted to know how Ryan was feeling."

Oh, that's right. Beckett still had to yell at him for being an idiot. No matter what they went through, that was no reason to avoid each other. In fact, that was all the more reason to stay by each other sides.

"You should go see him and ask."

Esposito narrowed his eyes at Castle, who beat her to the scolding.

"He's right, Javi. He was looking for you," Beckett said.

"No, I can't go see him. You don't understand what I did to him." Javier shook his head, looking ashamed of himself.

Beckett wasn't supposed to watch the video. So she couldn't tell Esposito that he didn't need to worry about what happened- it wasn't his fault. Nobody looked down on him and certainly, nobody blamed him it all.

"I really don't think he cares what happened, Esposito. He just wants you by his side," Castle said, rubbing Esposito's arm softly.

Esposito brushed Castle's hand off of him. "I doubt that. I just want to know how he's doing."

"Honestly," Beckett said with a sigh. "Not good. But that's what we expected."

"Yeah, because his best friend just raped him." Esposito glared at his feet and crossed his arms over his chest.

"No," Beckett said resolutely, "because his best friend left him alone in the hospital without even a goodbye."

Esposito stared at her for a long moment before he spoke again. "Thanks for checking up on him. I gotta, I have to go." He didn't wait for a response before he was walking towards the door.

"Javi," Beckett called out just as he opened the door, causing him to stop briefly, but he didn't turn around. "He's all alone. You don't know how much he needs you right now."

Except, Esposito did know. He knew because he wanted to go see Ryan more than anything in the world. But he didn't want to be a constant reminder to Ryan about what happened.

He couldn't hurt Ryan anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit short. I had some writer's block, but I have unclogged some parts so hopefully my next chapter will be longer.
> 
>  

 

"How are you feeling this morning, Kevin?"

Ryan opened his eyes to see his nurse even though he didn't want to do anything except keep them closed forever. He shrugged his shoulders. He still felt like crap.

She came over to his bed with that same smile she wore every time she came to see him. She lifted his dinner tray that he hadn't touched the night before. "You didn't eat last night. I know it's not gourmet, but it's something."

He just blinked, trying to show her he had no interest in eating, but his stomach betrayed him with a loud growl. His nurse chuckled. "Breakfast will be up in a few minutes."

"I don't want to eat."

"But you have to. Or else you won't get your strength back."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Javier didn't want to see him and he told his only other two friends not to come back. He regretted telling them to leave, but he knew they wouldn't want to deal with him and his recovery. He was just a burden.

"I came in to tell you that your friends are here. But, you said not to let them in…" She paused by the doorway.

Ryan quickly turned his head to face her. "Castle and Beckett are here?"

"Yes, would would you like me to tell them you're sleeping."

"No!" Ryan said a bit too quickly. "I mean, no." He cleared his throat.

She smiled knowingly at him. "I'll be back soon with your breakfast and I'll send them in."

Once she left, Ryan picked himself up so he wasn't completely horizontal. He fixed himself so he was comfortable just as Castle and Beckett walked through the door. He tugged on the blanket nervously and hoped that they weren't too upset with him for what he said yesterday.

"Hey, Ryan," Castle said with a smile as he took the seat closest to Ryan. Beckett pulled up the other from against the wall.

"Hey, Castle." He turned to Beckett then and gave her a small smile. "Hey. Beckett."

The door opened again, but this time it was a different nurse pushing a cart filled with different trays for the other guests on the floor. Ryan watched him leave a new tray on his table just like he had done every meal since Ryan was admitted into the hospital.

He left right after, but Ryan didn't move to pull the table closer. Castle turned to look at it. "You want me to push it over, Ryan?"

Ryan shook his head. "No thanks, I'm not in the mood for soggy oatmeal."

"When was the last time you ate, Ryan?" Beckett asked, giving him _the look_.

Ryan squirmed under the blankets. "I ate last night."

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "You're such a bad liar."

"I'm not lying!"

If I didn't know you so well, maybe I'd believe you." She narrowed her eyes. "And if we didn't see your nurse with your full tray of food."

Ryan's eyes flickered over to her, but he stayed silent.

Beckett sighed. "Ryan, you need to eat or they're not going to let you leave. They're going to force you sooner or later."

Refusing to look Beckett in the eyes, he wrinkled his nose. "I just don't like anything here."

"So, if I bring you a burger from Remy's you'll eat it?" Castle said, with a small smile.

Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but his stomach cut him off with a growl. Castle's smile widened as Ryan blushed. "I'll take that as a yes, buddy."

He looked down at his lap and nodded before he looked back up. "Look, guys, I'm sorry...about what I said to you yesterday."

"Kevin, don't worry about it. You were hurt and we were the only ones there for you to lash out at." Castle squeezed his leg comfortingly.

Ryan closed his eyes and took a deep breath to stay calm. It was just Castle and Castle never meant any harm. He opened his eyes back up when he felt Castle's hand leave. He saw Castle's eyes staring at him.

Quickly, Castle apologized, "I'm sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't have-."

"It's not your fault, Castle. I know it's nothing and I'm just overreacting. I'm trying to forget everything and ignore it," Ryan mumbled.

"Hey, Ryan, stop. C'mon, it's not your fault. What you went through, it's going to take some time to get over it. That's why we're here, we're gonna help you every step of the way." Castle held Ryan's gaze.

"Thanks, guys," Ryan whispered. "And if I ever tell you to leave again, just ignore me. It's not fun to be alone in a hospital." He gave a dry chuckle.

"Good thing you've got Castle here to annoy you, huh?" Beckett grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

"You better not agree with that, Ryan, you still need _me_ to buy you that burger." Castle narrowed his eyes with a smile at the Irishman.

At the mention of the burger, his stomach growled again but he also felt a little nauseous. He was hungry, but at the same time he didn't want to eat. He covered his stomach with his hands like that would mask any leftover rumbling.

Castle eyed Ryan's stomach " _But_ , you're not getting that burger until you eat at least half of the oatmeal in this bowl." Castle reached behind him to grab the bowl off the tray. He picked up the spoon and mixed it a few times.

Ryan immediately made a face. "Castle, I said-."

"I know what you said," Castle interrupted him. "But I don't believe that you're not eating because of the food."

Ryan quieted down and made a face. He thought he had gotten lucky enough for Beckett and Castle to have forgotten about his lack of appetite. Castle placed the bowl in Ryan's lap. Ryan looked up with the hope to convince Castle not to make him eat the soggy mess, but Castle's smile was gone and his face was serious.

"You haven't eaten in a few days- it shouldn't matter what the food is when you're _starving_."

Ryan knew Castle was only trying to help and Ryan needed the help. But he didn't necessarily want it.

"And you can bet your butt that a greasy burger will not be the first thing in your stomach." Castle looked pointedly at the bowl of oatmeal.

Ryan gave Castle a pleading look, but Castle held his gaze with a stern glare. Ryan gave in with a sigh and used his good arm to pick up the spoon filled with oatmeal. He gave him one last look, but Castle refused to relent. So Ryan stuck the spoon in his mouth and gave Castle a sarcastic grin that clearly said, 'Are you happy now?'.

Castle smiled back and took the bowl from Ryan's lap when he noticed Ryan was having trouble balancing it. Castle held it out as Ryan grudgingly went to take another spoonful. While Ryan was busy with his moping and eating, Castle looked over to Beckett ready to boast about how he was the one to get Ryan to eat first, but she had a soft smile on her face. He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?' he mouthed.

She placed a hand on his knee. 'Thank you,' she mouthed back.

His eyes widened in surprise, but his smile grew and replaced the shock. They turned back to watch Ryan continue to eat. He didn't look too pleased to be eating it, but that didn't stop him from feeding his hunger.

He stopped eating after a few mouthfuls and dropped the spoon in the bowl, but Castle looked in the bowl and saw there was still more left. "Hey, there's still more."

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "But you said I only had to eat half."

"And you're halfway there until it's done, so you can finish the rest."

Ryan frowned. "Is this how Alexis grew up? Poor girl."

Castle pushed the bowl closer. "Eat."

"You know, it would be much easier if I had the use of my dominant hand," Ryan grumbled. He glared at the bowl, but didn't move to pick up the spoon.

"I can spoon-feed you. Alexis always loved that," Castle said sarcastically.

"Oh, you got Mr. Ryan to eat? We've been trying for the past day and a half." His nurse walked in with a grin. She was holding his clipboard. "Your doctor will be happy to hear the feeding tube won't be required."

Castle didn't think that a half- full bowl of oatmeal was making up for the three days without food or even hinted that Ryan would eat on his own free will. But they were taking small steps.

"I don't like your oatmeal," Ryan said.

The nurse walked over to his bedside. "And you got him talking, too. Maybe we should keep 'em around, huh, Kevin?" She turned to Castle and Beckett. "A little TLC is the beginning to every healing process."

Ryan's nurse checked his vitals and checked his bandage before she left again. Castle and Beckett stayed with Ryan until he started to yawn and his eyes started to droop close. By noon he had fallen asleep as Castle told Ryan about one of his failed book ideas.

Beckett stared at the sleeping detective. "See? I told you, you put people to sleep."

"That's not fair! He has pain medication in his system- that was what made him drowsy." Castle said as Beckett stood up.

"There's a reason no one printed your book, Castle." She grinned in a teasing way. And she knew that Castle knew because Ryan was fighting tooth and nail to stay awake and hear every twist and turn in Castle's book.

"Guess I'll have to stop by tomorrow and finish it."

Beckett just rolled her eyes. She turned to Ryan and leaned down, ready to leave a kiss on the top of his head, but she stopped short. She hesitated before she whispered, "See you tomorrow, Kevin." She straightened up and walked out of the room without looking towards Castle.

Castle sighed. His instinct was to pat Ryan on the arm as he said goodbye. But, he knew just as Beckett did that Ryan still wasn't handling physical contact well yet and they didn't want to push him until he was ready.

Castle followed Beckett silently out of Ryan's room. Beckett saw his nurse at the nurses station so she stopped there before they headed towards the elevator. "Excuse me, you're Kevin Ryan's nurse, correct?"

She turned to face them with a smile. "Nurse Jensen, and yes. Does he need something?"

"No," Beckett said, shaking her head. "He's sleeping, but I had a few questions that I wanted to ask."

She smiled and put her clipboard down, giving them her full attention. "Of course."

"He hasn't been eating, like you've noticed, but what do you think the cause his lack of appetite?"

"It's psychological. It could be from the recent trauma he's experienced," Nurse Jensen said.

"I'm sensing a but." Castle raised his eyebrows.

Nurse Jensen nodded. "I've been keeping my eye on him since he was admitted and it's not just his eating that worries me." She looked towards her room with a frown. "He just lies there. He doesn't eat, doesn't smile, doesn't speak and when he actually sleeps, it's usually a nightmare."

"Is there something wrong with him?"

"He seems to have given up on recovering. He doesn't have the will," she said sadly.

"No, that's impossible. Ryan-."

"Is hurting right now. And I've had dozens of patients start out just like him. Some pull through and some just aren't the same after. The few short hours that you've been here is the most alive I've seen him." She gave them a small smile.

"So all we can do is keep coming and keeping him company?" Castle asked in a low voice.

Nurse Jensen sighed. "Yes...unless you know what's keeping him from _wanting_ to get back on his feet."

Beckett nodded. "Thank you and call me at any time if something's wrong," she said handing her card to the nurse. "My personal number is on the bottom."

Nurse Jensen smiled and took the card. "Will do. I'll be seeing you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow," Castle confirmed before they let her get back to work. Nurse Jensen smiled before continuing her rounds.

Beckett and Castle started walking back to the elevator. Once they were in the elevator, Castle immediately said, "It's Esposito!"

Beckett furrowed her eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

"Ryan's nurse said that he feels like there's no reason for him to try and fight through this," Castle said like it was obvious. "Esposito, his partner, _his best friend_ , hasn't gone to see him and Kevin thinks it's because Esposito hates him. If it were you in that bed and I pulled an Esposito and left you alone, would you want to keep going?"

Beckett sighed. "Castle…"

"No, Beckett, Esposito needs to come see Ryan. Doesn't he know what he's doing is making Ryan worse?" Castle ran a hand through his hair in exasperation.

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "I know your little Castle parts get all tingly when you play big brother to Ryan, but haven't you ever thought about Esposito? Ryan wasn't the only one in that room. Esposito feeling everything that Ryan is."

"So, we have to help both of them when neither of them want to see each other?" Castle shook his head.

"Exactly. So, tomorrow, you're coming here to talk to Ryan and I'll go see Esposito. The only thing that will help these two get better is each other."

* * *

" _Ryan! Wake up, Ryan!" Esposito screamed as he used his hands to try and clog the hole in his chest._

_It was no use, Esposito knew it. Ryan's heart wasn't beating, his chest wasn't moving and his eyes remained wide open staring up at nothing. "Kevin," Javier said in a broken whisper. "Come on, Kev. Wake up. Wake up for me."_

_Ryan didn't wake and Esposito knew he never would. Esposito dropped his head to Ryan's chest and cried. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I'm so sorry."_

Esposito shot up in a cold sweat. He placed a hand over his rapidly pulsing heart to attempt to calm his breathing. He searched around the dark to make sure he was still where he fell asleep- in his living room on his couch.

It was the same dream he had every time he closed his eyes: Esposito's in a dark alley and Ryan's bleeding out on the ground. Esposito rushes over to him to stop the bleeding but that's when he realizes he's the one holding the gun. He falls to Ryan's side and Ryan uses his last breath to whisper, "Why, Javi? Why?"

Esposito could still feel the blood sticky between his fingers and smell the metallic stench from the in his nostrils. He closed his eyes and all he could see were Ryan's blue lifeless ones staring right back at him.

Esposito felt his stomach churn and he rushed to the bathroom just in time to throw up whatever he ate that day into the toilet. He coughed up some more as he gripped the seat tightly between his hands.

He stopped long enough to take a deep breath and that gave him time for his mind to playback Ryan dying in his arms from a bullet that came out of _his_ gun. Up came more of Esposito's dinner as he choked on a sob. Tears ran down his cheeks.

"God, Kevin," Esposito mumbled, "I'm so sorry. Never again."

Once he was certain he was done throwing up, he let his shoulders sag and his forehead hit the toilet seat. His shoulders shook as he let all of his anger and guilt and pain drain out through his tears and his broken sobs that disrupted the silence of his empty apartment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry if I got any medical information wrong now and along the way. And I ended with some Javi!Whump because usually I'm biased and beat up poor Kevin. Please leave a review before you leave because they make me happy and encourage me to write more:)
> 
> Until next time,


	10. Chapter 10

"Javi, come on, it's noon. I know you're up." Beckett knocked again after Esposito ignored her first few knocks. She waited a moment and was about to knock again when the door finally opened. Beckett blinked at how disheveled Esposito looked.

She had seen him passed out on Castle's couch after a night of drinking and she'd seen him the next morning after he'd spent the past hour puking his guts out in the bathroom. But he never looked like this. It had only been two days since she saw him last, but already he had a 5 o'clock shadow and large bags under his bloodshot eyes. He looked exhausted, but he held a half full beer bottle in his hand.

"Whaddya want, Beckett?"

"I came to talk to you...but it looks like I'm a little late." She nodded her head towards the door. "Can I come in?"

Esposito shrugged his shoulders, but stepped aside so she could walk in. His apartment was a disaster. There were empty beer bottles littering ever tabletop and she had to step over broken glass by the kitchen.

The couch was the best spot for them to sit as long as they avoided the spilt beer. Once she was seated next to him, she sighed. "Javi, did you get any any sleep last night?"

"'M fine."

"No, you're not. Look at you. It's like you don't even care anymore." Beckett tried to meet his eyes, but he kept avoiding hers.

"I don't. What's the point." Esposito fell back against the couch and took a long sip from his beer.

Beckett furrowed her eyebrows and asked angrily, "What's the point? I don't know, Javier, maybe because there's people in your life that care about you. I do, so does Castle and don't you think for one moment Kevin doesn't."

"Uh-huh," Esposito said with his voice full of doubt.

"Espo, when we went to see him yesterday, do you want to know who he was looking for the moment we walked in? _You._ "

Esposito looked up and for a moment, he let the hope show in his eyes. "Me? Why?"

"Because he misses you, Javi. He's your best friend." Beckett really needed less stubborn and thick-headed friends.

"I'm just gonna give him some time, he doesn't wanna see me right now right." Esposito went to put the bottle to his lips again, but Beckett took it from his hand.

"He does want to see you. And you want to see him, too. If you wait any longer he may just rot to nothing in that hospital." Beckett placed the bottle hard on the table. "He's giving up because you're giving up on him."

"I'm not giving up on him, Beckett! I'm giving him a chance to get better!" His hands curled into fists. He tooks a deep breath and closed his eyes, attempting to calm himself.

Beckett felt her like her heart was squeezed with an iron fist when she saw tears fall down Javier's cheeks. She moved closer to his side and put her arm around his shoulder. She pulled him into a hug even though he remained rigid in her arms.

"Kate, I can't even look in the mirror at myself...how can I expect him to look at me?" Esposito asked, pulling back to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I think you're being a little too hard on yourself because Kevin doesn't care about anything that happened that night. He just wants to see you again." She rubbed his back, giving him a small smile when he finally met her eyes.

"Beckett, you didn't see what I did and you can't understand how hard this is. I can't go back in there and look him in the eyes after what happened."

Beckett bit her lip; Esposito didn't know she and Castle had watched the video and she planned to keep it that way. "But, Kevin does know and he wants you by his side."

Esposito's face softened. "Really?"

She nodded, a soft smile gracing her lips. "Trust me. He looks like a kicked puppy lying in that hospital bed looking up every time someone walks through the door hoping it's you."

Esposito's lip upturned the slightest, but it fell just before he asked, "And you think I'll be able to help?"

Beckett rolled her eyes. "I know you'll be able to help him." She sniffed the air and made a face. "But first, you need to take a shower and clean yourself up. You smell like stale beer and puke and you look like you haven't slept in weeks."

Esposito chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I feel like it." He hesitated standing up. "You're positive he wants-."

"Go get ready, Javi," Beckett interrupted him.

He nodded once before he walked down the hall to his bathroom. Beckett took a deep breath, she knew it wasn't going to be this easy once she finally got Esposito to the hospital. But, they weren't leaving until Ryan and Esposito were talking to each other again.

* * *

Castle walked through the hall leading to Ryan's room with a box of munchkins in one hand and his draft he was reading to Ryan yesterday in the other. He smiled to each nurse that he passed by until he was outside his friend's room.

He knocked on the door with his elbow before walking in. Ryan still looked too frail laying in that bed, but his eyes looked brighter than yesterday. It was the small victories.

"Hey, Ry," he greeted with a smile and dropped the box of munchkins on the table next to Ryan's bowl of cereal.

Ryan pushed himself up straighter and gave Castle a small smile of his own. "Hey, Castle." He peeked around him as he walked up to his bed. "No Beckett today?"

Castle didn't let the slight disappointment in Ryan's voice worry him. He knew Ryan was a daddy's boy and enjoyed his company. "Nah, she's talking some sense into your idiot partner."

Ryan visibly deflated and Castle immediately worked to get his mind off of Esposito. "So, did you eat your dinner last night?" Castle asked as he pulled Ryan's tray closer to him. "And don't lie to me."

Ryan sighed. "Castle,-."

"Yes or no," Castle said, opening up the small milk carton to pour into the bowl of cornflakes.

"No, but I wasn't in the mood to eat last night."

Castle raised his eyebrows. "You haven't been in the mood to eat since you came home. But you've got to eat something because you were skinny before this, but now it's like you're trying to be the first human-toothpick."

Ryan made a face. Whether at Castle's comment or the fact he was now holding a spoon of milk and cereal, Castle didn't know. But Ryan kept his lips shut tight. "C'mon, you liked the oatmeal yesterday, right? This is even better."

"I'm not a baby, Castle, you can't make me eat," Ryan said quickly, probably afraid Castle would try to stick the spoon in his mouth mid-sentence. Castle would only use that as a last resort.

"Yeah, but there's no way you're feeding yourself with your good arm in a sling." Castle moved the spoon closer to Ryan, eyeing it to make sure he didn't spill milk all over the blankets. "And I'm older, so I'm in charge."

"It doesn't work like that when we're both adults."

"Yes, it does." Castle nodded his head, but kept his hand steady.

"No."

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh."

When Ryan was busy mocking him, Castle stuck the spoon in his mouth with a smug grin. "Uh-huh."

Ryan glared, but still he chewed and swallowed the cereal. Once Ryan had the taste of the cereal, his stomach wasn't satisfied and it grumbled loudly. Castle watched his eyes dart to the full bowl of cereal.

"I told you it's good." Castle filled the spoon up again. "After your cereal I brought donuts you can have and I can finish reading you my book."

The next few minutes were quiet as Ryan ate spoonful after spoonful without a word. Castle didn't want to lose Ryan's sudden appetite, but when Castle saw on Ryan's face that something was bothering him, he paused his feeding.

Ryan finished chewing his cereal and swallowed before spoke up, hesitant at first. "Hey, uh, Castle, can I ask you something?"

Castle put the spoon in the bowl and gave Ryan his full attention. "Sure."

Ryan's brow furrowed. "I don't want to sound like an ass...but, why are you here?"

Castle's heart stuttered, afraid that Ryan was about to try and kick him out again.

"I know you stayed at the 12th for Beckett and me and Espo are just two guys you happened to meet along the way. And I consider you my friend- one of my best, actually. But, you're _Richard Castle,_ you've got tons of friends and Beckett. Why are you wasting your time in this room making sure I eat and reading to me and keeping me company. I'm nothing special- I'm just me."

Castle blinked, trying to comprehend what Ryan just told him. He thought that Castle didn't consider him a friend, just someone that worked with his wife? Castle didn't ever think about it before, he always just assumed that the boys knew they were the brothers he never had.

Now that he thought about it, he never really took the time to tell Ryan and Esposito how important they were to him. At the precinct, he was always following Beckett around without a second glance at the boys.

Castle sighed. "I've got tons of 'friends', most of them just because I have money. But, you and Javier are crazy if you think we're friends." He saw Ryan's face fall and he quickly finished his thought, "You're crazy because you're not my friends, you're my family."

Ryan's eyes widened and he stared at Castle. His mouth opened, but he couldn't form any words. He ducked his head with a soft smile, but when he looked back up, he whispered, "You really mean that?"

"If I didn't I wouldn't be back here trying to get your stubborn ass to eat and reading you my crappy drafts of books I will never publish." He waved his manuscript with a smile.

"Thanks, Castle," Ryan said and Castle knew it wasn't for reading or feeding him.

"No problem," Castle put down the bowl of milk with a few cornflakes left and picked up the munchkins. "I think you've had enough to be spoiled with dessert." He put it on Ryan's lap, not missing how the box caught his eye. Castle made sure Ryan was able to pull one out of the box before he turned to his book.

He continued from the spot he left off yesterday. He didn't think it was one of his good works, but Ryan seemed to enjoy it as he continued to snack on the munchkins. Castle continued to read even after Ryan stopped eating after the third munchkin.

He was so silent that sometimes Castle had to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep. But every time Castle peeked over his pages, Ryan was always staring right back in rapt attention.

Ryan finally spoke up as Castle turned the next page of his notebook. "You're my family, too, Castle."

That stopped Castle for a second before he turned the page. He didn't say anything, but he continued reading with a large smile across his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this so short. Next chapter, Esposito finally goes to see Ryan. (Took you long enough, dummy) And after this I think there's only 2 chapters left. 
> 
> Until next time,


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta-d and it's one-thirty in the morning, so please ignore my many mistakes.

Esposito straightened his Henley as he walked back into the living room. Beckett was right: a nice shower, a shave and some clean clothes was already helping him feel better. Now if he could just pretend that he wasn't about to go see the one person in the world he knew didn't want to see him, then he'd be fine.

When he entered his living room, he was surprised to see it cleaner than he ever kept it. The bottles were picked up, the glass was swept and everything was neat again. He even saw a few of those scented candles burning. Beckett must have found the ones that Ryan stashed in the linen closet.

He furrowed his brow and turned to Beckett who was sitting on his couch watching television. "What did you do?"

Beckett flipped off the television when she saw Esposito was ready. "While you were in the shower, I picked some stuff up."

"Some? You cleaned my whole apartment, Beckett."

She rolled her eyes and walked over to him. "Only your kitchen and living room because I couldn't sit here in the mess."

"You know what? Maybe I should stay home, then, and finish cleaning the rest of the apartment. Tell Castle I said hi," Esposito said, trying to back away and get out of seeing Ryan.

Beckett grabbed his arm. "I don't think so. You're coming with me."

Esposito groaned as she dragged him out of the apartment.

* * *

"I messed up, Beckett. I messed up so bad," Esposito said nervously in the hall. They were so close to Ryan's room, but Esposito was afraid. He didn't want to see the look of disgust on Ryan's face when he walked through the door.

"I know. Which is why we're here to make things right." Beckett gestured down the hall to keep Esposito walking.

"No. _Before_ he got in the hospital. In the room. _That's_ the mistake I can't fix."

"You're right; you can't fix it if you never talk to him." Beckett shrugged her shoulders. "But, I promise once you're in there, it'll be fine."

Esposito grumbled under his breath before he continued. "Fine, but I'm leaving the moment I make him uncomfortable."

Beckett rolled her eyes and followed Esposito down to Ryan's room. Esposito could hear Castle's voice before they even stepped in through the doorway; it sounded like he was reading a book to Ryan. But, he couldn't hear Ryan. He was either sleeping or being quiet. Esposito hoped it was the former.

Esposito felt a nudge on his back from Beckett so he took a deep breath and without a second thought, he walked through the doorway. He eyes immediately fell to his partner who was laying in bed, eyes on Castle as the writer read to him from a packet of papers. He looked pale and weak and miserable. And it was Esposito's fault.

He cleared his throat loudly and watched as Ryan's empty eyes trailed from Castle to him. They widened and he rushed to push himself up in bed. He looked so broken in that bed and Esposito was the only one to blame. He looked away in shame and guilt.

Beckett filled the awkward silence he created. "Look who I finally managed to drag out." She smiled weakly.

Castle grinned widely. "Espo, man, we missed you. Right, Kev?"

Esposito looked back at Ryan, but he wasn't staring back. He was slumped in his bed and his eyes were downcast at his lap. Of course Ryan didn't want to see him. What was he thinking?

"Nah, it's okay, Castle. I just came to see how Ryan was doing...but I'm just gonna go." He went to step back, but Beckett blocked the doorway.

"I don't think so. You're here, now say what you wanted." Beckett pushed him closer to Ryan's bed.

"It doesn't matter anyway." Esposito shoved her hand off his arm with a glare.

"I have been Ryan's only company for hours, I think he'd like to talk with someone else." Castle chuckled, closing his book and patting the bed just next to Ryan's arm.

Ryan was choosing to study the pattern on his blanket, rather than join the conversation or even look at Esposito. It was clear he was making him uncomfortable.

"Get out of my way, Beckett," Esposito said firmly. He was starting to feel nauseous. He knew this would be a mistake.

But Beckett stood her ground. "Esposito, you are not walking out of this room before you talk to your partner. You two are not ending everything like this."

Esposito refused to look over at Ryan. "You don't understand. What I did is not something we can just forget ever happened." He was struggling not to let his voice break.

"Esposito, I know you think it's the end of the world. But, it's not. Everything will be okay if you just let it out. Keeping it all bottled in will only hurt you. You two were in a horrible situation, but you were in it together." Castle was playing good cop and Esposito actually found himself listening to the writer. "If anybody understands why you did what you did, it's Kevin. Because he was right next to you. He knows you only kissed him to protect him. You stopped when it got too much and you were willing to die for him. That last kiss you shared- did it feel like a kiss from someone who hated you and never wanted to see you again?"

Esposito went silent and thought about Castle's words. For once, the writer was right. Ryan would understand and Esposito was probably just making a big deal about nothing. For all he knew, Ryan was beating _himself_ up over it. And that last kiss he shared with Ryan was one of the best feelings he'd ever had.

Wait a second. Esposito furrowed his brow. How did Castle know about the kiss? Esposito had only told Beckett some of what happened, but he definitely didn't mention that last kiss to anyone. And he knew Ryan wouldn't either.

"What did you just say?" He asked, low and threatening.

Castle actually looked a bit scared. He hesitated. "Uhh…"

"How did you know we kissed?" He growled, already knowing the answer. Castle's face went pale. "You watched the tape. The one you found at the crimescene, you two watched it!" He directed his glare over to Beckett as well.

This caught Ryan's attention. He looked over at Castle with wide eyes. "You watched it?" His voice was soft and ashamed, unlike Esposito's booming and furious voice. His face was red like Esposito's, but his was from embarrassment while Esposito's was from anger.

"Of course they did, Kevin." He walked away from Beckett and over to the other side of Ryan's bed. "You watched it behind our backs without even asking if it was okay!" He crossed his arms over his chest angrily.

"Espo, we just wanted-."

"Wanted to what?" He interrupted Beckett. "Watch me and Ryan in the worst moment of our fucking lives?"

"Calm down."

"I'm not going to calm down! You two didn't even ask. Why would you two watch it?" Esposito's felt his face heat up in fury.

"We needed her confession and to see if she filmed anything else that could help with the case. Which she did. We didn't watch it to see you two in that bed." Beckett narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, that was just a bonus." Esposito scoffed.

"You know that's not true, Javier," Beckett said.

Castle used the moment of silence to talk to Ryan, who pushed himself to the other side of the bed, as far from Castle as he could get. "Ryan, I'm sorry. We should have asked. But there's no reason for you to be upset."

"No reason for me to be upset?" Ryan repeated, his voice laced with anger Esposito had never heard him use on one of them before. "I was mortified in there with just Stacy watching us, I never wanted either of you to watch it, too."

"We're not looking down on you, Ryan. We know you didn't have a choice. It's over-."

"It's not over! Everytime I close my eyes I'm back in that room. It was my fault. I gave in and I made Javi kiss me like that and I was the one that asked him. _I'm disgusting_." Tears were starting to leak from the corner of his eyes. "And now he can't even look at me. It will never be over."

Esposito looked down at Ryan and wanted to pull him close and wipe away his tears. Ryan wasn't the one that should be blaming himself. "What are you talking about, Kevin? I don't think you're disgusting and I sure as hell don't blame you at all for what happened."

Ryan looked up in surprised, like he couldn't believe Esposito was talking to him. "Then why have you been avoiding me? I haven't seen you since that night. I mean you kissed me...and then never came back."

"And you thought it was because I couldn't stand you anymore?"

"What was I supposed to think? You just walked in and looked at me for a second before turning away. You didn't even say hi." Ryan ended in a whisper.

Esposito wanted to punch himself. He should have known that Ryan would feel like he was the reason that Esposito was holed up in his apartment drinking himself to death. "I only left because I thought you didn't want to see me anymore. I'd just be a reminder of that night."

"No," Ryan said as the tears started to flow freely down his cheeks. Even Esposito felt his own eyes watering up. "I didn't want you to leave. I needed you but you weren't there. I thought you hated me."

Esposito fell to his knees and pulled Ryan into his arms. "How could you think that? God, you're my everything. I just didn't want to hurt you anymore."

"You didn't hurt me until you left." Ryan buried his head into Esposito's shoulder.

"I know, corazon. I was an idiot." Esposito dragged a hand through Ryan's hair as the other clutched to him desperately. "I'm sorry. God, I've never been more sorry in my life."

"I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you if you promise to never leave me like that again."

Esposito pressed his lips to the hair behind Ryan's ear. "I promise. I promise to stay with you as long you'll let me."

"Forever."

Esposito smiled. "You have my word, Kev." Esposito held him close and wasn't about to let go any time soon. He noticed that Beckett and Castle were sneaking out of the room. Esposito still wanted to kick their asses for what they did, but with Ryan finally back in his arms, he couldn't find it in himself to care. As long as Ryan stayed by his side, he'd be okay.

* * *

_One month later_

"You coming to bed, Javi?" Ryan asked, pulling the blanket up next to him.

"Give me a sec, I'm shutting the lights off after your lazy ass." Ryan heard him from the bathroom.

Ryan smiled. "Hurry up, I'm cold."

"Yes, your highness." Esposito huffed as he finally came back into their bedroom. He flicked off the light above their bed before he crawled next to Ryan.

The moment that he was in bed, Ryan had his arms wrapped around him. "I missed you," he mumbled as he relaxed next to his partner.

"I was gone for 10 minutes, Kev." Esposito wrapped his arms around Kevin and pulled him even closer.

"Your point?" Kevin asked as he tilted his head up, silently requesting a kiss. Esposito complied and they shared lazy kisses until Ryan broke it with a stifled yawn.

Esposito pretended to be insulted. "Am I really putting you to sleep?"

Ryan smiled. "You could never." He tried to get another kiss, but Esposito shook his head.

"You should get some sleep and rest that arm."

Ryan rolled his eyes. He'd been out of the hospital for a few weeks, but his cast only came off a couple of days ago. After the day Esposito finally came back to see him, Ryan started to improve. He ate more, slept more soundly and was cleared by his doctors in no time.

They talked about the tape over with Castle and Beckett and they apologized for watching it without their permission. Ryan and Esposito apologized for getting so angry when they admitted that Castle and Beckett needed to watch the tape to tie some loose ends of their case together. And even to just understand what happened. They weren't doing it to be cruel.

Every night since, Ryan had found himself falling asleep in Javier's arms. The only place he'd ever felt completely safe.

It had taken some time for them both to fully accept that it was neither of their fault for what happened. Ryan still woke up from nightmares sometimes and so did Esposito, but they had each other to help calm down with a gentle hug and kiss.

Kissing was as far as they had gotten in bed, but neither felt any rush. They could wait a few more months until both of them were comfortable with it going further. After all, they did have forever to spend together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a year and it's finally finished. It feels good to have this done. I'm sorry it seemed rushed; I didn't want to drag it on any more than needed. I hope you enjoyed this and thank you for sticking with me until the very end. All reviews are appreciated one last time:) Now I'll be spending most of my time on every sign and all the other multi chaps and one-shots I have planned. 


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